So Let it be Written, So Let it be Done!

June 13, 2010

Just Because Something Is The Best You’ve Experienced, Doesn’t Mean You’re Done Learning

Filed under: blogging,dating,drama,kamakula — kamakula @ 10:50 pm
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So, I am currently enjoying what seems to be the beginnings of a wonderful relationship. She is sexy, funny, smart, amazing, and caring. We seem to get along so well and are in the stage where we can’t get enough of each other. I’m starting to lose count of the number of dates which changed from our plans of about 4 hours with each other to 8 [or longer ;)].

One thing that we discussed on our first date is being open and honest with each other and in the subsequent times since then, we’ve kept that up. In fact, we’ve both remarked to each other that this is the most communicative romantic relationship either one of us have had.

But we’ve also had a couple hiccups in this regard. Where miscommunication on our part led to issues that took some time to resolve. Where for a few hours, one or both of us were walking around with our hearts in our throats. And if we were different people, if our feelings for each other weren’t so strong – to the point where no matter what happens, we’d still have a sit down and talk things through – things may have ended or gotten a bit rocky.

So, why is it that our most communicative relationship still has problems with communication? It’s not a paradox actually. And it took these two events for me to realize that just because something is my personal best, doesn’t mean I’m done working on improvements. I’d let myself think that once I’d found someone with whom I’d made such a great connection, that would be it. I’d be done working on my ability to share myself.

Not so fast . . . things are not that easy. Yes, it is amazing how comfortable I am with her and how much we are able to share with each other. Yes, this is the best we’ve ever had. No – it is still not enough. And to be honest, I find this amazing. We’d agreed before that one thing we really liked was that though it feels like we’ve known each other for much longer than our 1.5 months (of which we’ve been dating for 2 weeks), there is still an excitement and feeling of there being much more to discover.

Where in the past, miscommunication and disagreements have led to arguments (whose resolutions admittedly were followed up by great makeup sex), here, those things lead to discussions about ourselves where we talk about what happened and how to better communicate with each other [and romp as usual ;)]

It was very easy for me to discover that I wanted to be a lifelong learner, that no matter what I do academically and professionally, I will always have more to be taught, that I can always learn from others. Now I’m seeing that the same applies to being a communicator. And where at times before I’d seen it as a chore, now I find that my passion and desire to learn has expanded to this area.

April 27, 2010

Eureka – I Discovered My Relationship Downfall

Filed under: drama,kamakula — kamakula @ 6:51 pm
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Yep, that is right. After several years it finally hit me. I have poor impulse control. Not when it comes to doing or buying things, but with saying things. Well, perhaps not exactly saying things, more like treating people with the familiarity one usually reserves for those you have known for a long time.

See, my problem is that I have a relatively low social threshold, partly because there is the shy me who does not share much with anyone, there is the normal me which most people know, and there is the me which is locked away that even people who have known me for 6+ years still have very little clue.

Because I not a many layered person, it doesn’t take long for new people to make it to layer two. Unfortunately, this usually corresponds to the things that you joke, do, say, etc with people after you have built up enough mutual trust and respect so that some things are not as offensive, strange, or certainly easily recognizable as jokes.

So, what does this mean for me? I need to be a lot more cognizant of how soon I open up. Sure, jokes are fine, but keep them simple, without any quirks or references that I’m used to my friends or people who know me picking up upon. And slow down. The funny thing is, if I look back on my successful relationships (albeit we are hedging the definition of successful), that is exactly what ended up happening. Except I got there by accident, just without knowing.

This actually raises a question which I may address in another post – what is the line where exploiting my increasing knowledge of myself, others, relationships, and interpersonal interactions for my own benefit cross the line to being manipulative? I’ve had several people express to me lately that i’m a “bad” person for doing this – but isn’t that the point of having a brain, and learning from past mistakes and experiences? Or is it “bad” because my intentions don’t dovetail with those that others expect I should have?

April 21, 2010

Looking Back

Filed under: drama,kamakula,pittsburgh — kamakula @ 12:42 am
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So, these past couple weeks have been very non-productive for me. I’ve started eating twice a day (the same amount each time) which coupled with my liquids brings me close to 3000 calories a day (i’m working now to change that back to a reasonable 1500 – reasonable for my metabolism).

Since breaking up, I’ve dated one girl. We went out three times before things came to an end. But this time, the post mortem yielded some interesting information. First, the reason I got her number in the first place and got to the first date is that I did everything right up to that point. I was the pursuer. I made my interest known. I called her within a couple days of getting the number, I decided and organized our first date, etc.

And on that date and the second, I let her guide our interaction. I did not push to kiss or touch or anything else, I followed her lead. The third time around, I did not. And that is where I went wrong. Not only that, but when I think about it, that’s what has gone wrong in all the cases where I struck out within 3 dates.

It really is amazing to realize this about oneself. I feel so much happier as a person and look forward to getting to know the next person who takes a chance on me on a much better basis.

April 1, 2010

Conflicted Determination

Filed under: drama,kamakula — kamakula @ 1:07 am
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I think I’ve decided. She is no longer for me. Perhaps the new one I’ve met isn’t either, but that is for me to decide and learn. One thing seems clear, She isn’t going to be the one.

If I know this, then why aren’t I so definite? Because I don’t want to be the asshole bastard. Because I don’t want to be the bad guy. Because after going through two previous separations, I’m going to yet again instigate a third.

But this time, I know I’m right. Things have not really changed too much. They’ve gotten better in some ways or perhaps it’s easier for me to overlook them, but they’re still there. And I know that there are many times that I’m not exactly happy.

Though I know that I cannot possibly expect to be happy all the time in a relationship, I can damn well try. I, for better or for worse, have not made any unbreakable commitments. Worst case, I tarnish my reputation within a small group of people. Several years ago, this may have been enough for me to reconsider, regardless of how much I claim to be above peer pressure.

Today, I forge ahead. Because now, I’m playing for keeps. And I’m being selfish. I’m going for what I want. And if there is a conflict between you and me, then I choose me, and will just move on until what I am is what she is looking for. She asked me once to describe my ideal partner. She even through out some thoughts of her own about qualities. A list of things that would obviously exclude her. A list that I cannot deny to myself is true.

I wish it were not this way. I wish I did not care so much for someone whom I must now cast away. Like a toy I no longer want. It feels callous, mean, and ruthless. And in some ways, it must be that way. Perhaps what I should do is stop trying to hide from these aspects, but embrace them.

We are adults. We know these things don’t always work. Yet, it’s not like I don’t care for Her. On the contrary, She will forever inhabit a place in my heard. Like the One before Her, I will always cherish the time I’ve spent. But I must also be able to move on.

I hate this. I hate that things couldn’t be perfect. But I cannot be everyone or do anything. I need someone who can stand without me. Perhaps if I were . . . no. No entertaining possible scenarios and situations where things could have worked. And certainly no talk of maybes and what could bes when the time comes to officially end it.

No. Yes. I know what I need to do.

March 1, 2010

Do you know who you are? I don’t know who I am.

Filed under: drama,kamakula — kamakula @ 12:37 pm
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We had an argument last night which I think (because I don’t really know), left us angry for different reasons. Driving to school today, I spent some time thinking about why I felt the way I did. Partly because I’m starting to feel like I’m checking out of this and I’m trying to determine if it is just a moral failing on my part and I just need to work through it or is it because of stress and other outside issues or are there significant enough differences that could justify things not working.

And I realized something about myself. In relationships, I am a giver. I give of my time and resources. I help, encourage. I gladly sacrifice my time or give up things I want to do to make the other person happy. However, I have a threshold. There are certain things that are part of me. My domain. My time. And so this giving and sacrificing I do is not simply because I’m a nice boyfriend. It is to give me cover. It is an unsaid, “I do all of these things for you so that I don’t have to deal with you when X is going on”. That’s why sometimes I seem to be a paragon of patience and can listen to complaints and problems for hours some days, but others I want to cut things short and get to an immediate solution. In some way, I feel that I’ve earned time to myself or my activities and get upset when those boundaries are crossed.

So, as much as I think and act as if I am part of a new generation that doesn’t view relationships in an “old” fashioned way, essentially what ends up happening is that because I do so much and expect to be left alone for “my” time, I’ve effectively created a situation where there is a division of labor. Where I, the man, is the provider and caretaker, and in exchange for doing such I expect not to be bothered with other things.

So now I wonder. Is there something wrong with me? And how do I figure out what to do if I don’t fully understand my own motivations and feelings?

February 9, 2009

Dazed and Confused

Filed under: drama,kamakula — kamakula @ 7:03 pm
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So, HEC and I hung out again this weekend. She was out with a friend. I met them at a bar, we had a few drinks, chatted, some light flirting, then I bounce them to my usual spot and eventually she and I end up on the dance floor.

At this point, I’m a bit unsure what I want to do. I’m fine dancing with HEC with her friend there. I’m not quite sure how much further I wanted to attempt to go. I guess the question becomes, if you are out with friends, and you are interested in one, can you make a move at that point or do you have to wait until you two are isolated?

I’m relatively sure that I no longer miss the “go ahead” signal. So perhaps that why tings are always interesting when HEC is involved. When we chat beforehand, the signal seems to be there. When we’re actually out, its tougher to read. Or perhaps it should be clear, given that she never quite makes herself available to me alone.

Then again, perhaps that was my move to make. To take her in hand and tell her friend, hey, don’t worry, I’ll make sure she gets home safe tonight. Sigh, I guess I’ll have to find out the next time.

So, aside from HEC, I’ve been dating for a couple weeks now. The love triangle thing has resolved itself, and I’m now just seeing one, and avoiding talking to the other. It goes against my nature, but I think it’s best for now. Because I feel any in depth discussion would lead to potentially resuming the relationship and ultimately a new triangle conflict. While both knew I wanted to see other people concurrently, neither really can accept that, especially if they know that I’m seeing the other

January 14, 2009

How do you break up with someone with whom you’re not in a relationship

Filed under: kamakula — kamakula @ 3:31 pm
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So, there’s been someone I’ve been “hanging” out with for a couple months now. We probably seen each other two or three times a month. It’s been casual and for me has been at the “let me see if I get to like her more” though perhaps there was a bit of I’m want to have someone to chill with involved as well. So while we’ve been hanging out, that’s what’s its been. Just friends. No expectations. No obligations. Though I suspect there may be a desire for more.

Now I’ve started seeing other people and frankly I enjoy the time spent with them a lot more. I don’t know if it’s the age difference, personality, or what, but truth is truth. And given the way school is going to balloon to fill my free time, and the likely potential that I’m going to continue to date other people, the good thing to do is to cut her loose now. Because I know I’d rather spend time with others and I’m not the guy who keeps people around just so I can call them on the off chance that nobody else is available.

I’m not one for beating around the bush. If there is beating to be done, one should grab straight at the root, and what’s left of the good guy in me, who survived the bastard coating of bastard filling is saying you should tell her, it’s been cool hanging out, but I think we’re both looking for different things. There’s even a voice in my head that says I should call and say this, rather than sending a txt message. Damn this technology, because five years ago, I would not have even considered txting someone to say this. . . perhaps I would have emailed. . .

I’ve had people drop me by just ceasing to respond to communication. If things had been going on for more than a month, I generally felt that I deserved at least a “it wouldn’t have worked” conversation. But now I see that there are a couple issues with that. One, it’s hard to come up with what to say in that conversation, even for such a talented wordsmith as I. Two, even if you know what you want to say, you probably don’t really want to actually say it. Three, if I actually did have that conversation, I’d have probably attempted to convince them to reconsider, and I don’t want to have that conversation knowing that I have no plans of reconsidering at all.

Ok. . . I’m going to make the call.

January 13, 2009

Bastard Coated Bastards with a Bastard Coated Filling

Filed under: kamakula — kamakula @ 1:35 am
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So, when Drs. Kelso and Cox first have the conversation where this bit of knowledge comes up, that everyone knows people are such, I couldn’t help but laugh at the jaded outlook those two share -and how it’s one of the few things the two would agree upon.

At the same time, even as I enjoyed what I feel is among the top scenes in the show, I couldn’t help but think, “Nah, people aren’t that way. Certainly I’ve gone through life without being a bastard coated bastard with a bastard coated filling”.

Until a couple days ago. I’m not going to go into details. Suffice to say it involved two females. Who are associates but have a mutual friend. Who apparently talks a lot lol.

Arrg. I have a friend who tells me, when life hands you lemons, make grape juice. Never let the bastards win and always keep them guessing!

I’m going to do my best 🙂

December 26, 2008

Let’s be Friends First

Filed under: kamakula — kamakula @ 3:25 pm
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Most guys already know about the “let’s just be friends” death knoll for any possible romantic relationship. There’s no such thing as being friends with a girl you attempted to pick up. Not if you weren’t already friends. Your only interest in this person was romantic. If you were going to be friends, it would have to occur through some other means.

But there’s another one. It’s a bit more insidious than LJBF because this one makes it easier to perpetuate the self-delusion that perhaps there’s something there after all. It goes: “Let’s be friends first”. My instinctual reaction the first time I heard or read this somewhere was, to use the vernacular, “bullshit!”.

Think about your current friends. I’m talking about real friends. The ones you stay in touch with when you move to a different city. The ones whom you’ve known, laughed with, shared secrets with, sometimes cried with (unless you’re a guy, in which case it was a bad reaction to the beer). These aren’t people you just randomly met at a club. These were people who were classmates, group members, churchgoers, club members, associates who participated in some relatively long term activity with you. Due to your close association, you had no choice (well, actually you did) but to socialize, and you discovered common interests and compatiblity.

That is the basis of friendship. It starts first with a common activity or shared task and it grows with shared interests and interaction. Relationships are a different beast (mostly). There may be a common activity involved, but it’s not one that puts you in long term interaction with that person. Where you’d see them, talk to them for weeks or months at a time, whether you particularly want to or not.

So, “let’s be friends first”. That just doesn’t make any sense. What does that mean? So, we hang out. Get to know each other. In other words date, but make no attempts at romanticizing the situation. No goodnight kiss. No hugs. NO cuddling on the couch? That can’t be. I’m almost never in that kind of situation with my female friends. . .unless I was attempting to make a move on them. So, here’s where this gets insidious. By agreeing to such terms, you’ve cut romantic development of the relationship at the knees.

You will always second guess any touching, any holding, and certainly you will not be making attempts to kiss, not unless you want to get the “I thought we said we’d just be friends. . .first”. Yep, you perhaps didn’t catch that, but “first” is an afterthought. That’s because “let’s be friends first” is EXACTLY equivalent to LJBF. Any person that continues to allow you to treat them on dates that are just “friendly” outings is taking advantage of you.

At least with LJBF, you know where you stand. And you quickly stop paying for her popcorn. I feel I’ve not done a good job illustrating why LBFF is meaningless. Imagine if you will, a ravenous snake and a mouse meeting. The snake, tells the mouse, let’s just be friends. The mouse agrees, and goes to watch a movie at the snake’s house. Inside. Where he can’t get away. The snake eats the mouse. End of story. Moral: A snake will always eat the mouse. Don’t be stupid. Just because they say the want to be friends, doesn’t mean things have fundamentally changed. If someone isn’t interested enough to pursue a relationship, friendship isn’t the path to changing their mind.

Not in the short term and not unless you’re prepared to deal with a 99% failed conversion rate. Seriously does it make sense? So, I agree to suppress all romantic feeling for you and in what? 3 weeks? 3 months time? We’d reconvene and say, oh, so should we try dating? Bullocks! How many times have you and an eligible female friend gotten together and said, “Hmm, we should have a romantic evening tomorrow night”. Likely ZERO. So, why do you somehow believe things will be different with this new friend?

So, my good people, my treasured friends, my mortal enemies. Whomever thou mayest be. If anyone ever communicates a desire for “friendship” first, it means they are not interested and have found a way of letting you down that best matches their ego. Personally, I’d prefer you told me you were not interested, instead of LJBF, LBFF, or giving me a fake phone number, or giving me a real number and not answering a call. If my self-esteem can’t handle someone not being interested in me, I probably have problems that need to be resolved before pursing a relationship anyway.

Ooh, before I forget. So, a LJBF or LBFF does not actually mean they want to be your friend. They may think that, but really, that’s not the case. Unless you’re already friends, it’s not going to happen. Here’s why. At this point, you have no reason to continue a relationship. Your interaction thus far was motivated by a desire to establish a romantic interaction. Thus foiled, there’s little motivation on your side to drive this any further. Given that you don’t work in the same place, have classes you take together, or members of the same club or organization, there’s little “external” cause to be together.

This means the only reason you saw each other in the first place is becuase you created time in your schedule to do so. So, why would you then continue making time for someone you don’t really know and have no reason to really hang out with? Naturally, your meetings will become infrequent as other things in your life take (rightful) priority and pretty soon stop altogether. I’m not sure why some people believe friendship is a consolation prize in the dating olympics. It’s more like russian roulette. Or that game in Deer Hunter. You either win, lose, or stop playing the game. There’s no other outcome.

November 21, 2008

One of These Days

Filed under: drama,kamakula,rant — kamakula @ 1:39 pm
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I’m going to figure it out. Like in my controls class, we went over a method for finding stabilizing controllers for unstable systems using coprime factorization. This method results in a characteristic equation equal to one, not zero. In the interest of taking notes, I did not question this when it first came up, but waited until after the professor had gone over all the material. The answer he gave wasn’t fully satisfactory, but after thinking about it some more, going home, and doing more reading, building on what he said, I think I understand the reason, though I’d much prefer to find a textbook explanation that connects the dots in more mathematical terms rather than inferences that make sense based on my understand of controls.

In any case, that anecdote is relevant to other experiences in my life. I’m able to get to a certain point, but things don’t progress beyond that. This is relevant in that I feel the reason is somewhere just beyond my grasp, that I possess most of the knowledge and experience to get an intuitive feel of the reasoning, but I’m looking for that definite aha light bulb moment or explanation. I’m betting it will turn out to be one of those things where you smack yourself on the head, perhaps a bit too hard, but go “Wow, this really should have been obvious to me all along! WTF was I thinking?”

And so today I write off another one. Well, in reality, that action is nearly meaningless because I’ve already been written off. Though part of the problem is my inability to be completely objective in these situations. I’m just too close, having an interest in one outcome, it’s hard to track evidence that leads to the other. Or worse yet, I’m likely misclassifying things.

Perhaps I’d be best served by attempting to create a bayesian decision network to model these things. I’ve had this idea before, perhaps it wouldn’t be a bad idea to actually act on it. Who knows, if I can come up with a good enough model, there could be some marketable potential.

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