So Let it be Written, So Let it be Done!

March 20, 2010

New Beginnings and Old Pain

Filed under: blogging,drama,kamakula — kamakula @ 2:06 pm

I feel like I’ve been just been bandaging something that needs to be amputated. But because of deep sentimental attachment, not wanting to deal with the pain that separation will cause, and feeling some guilt that I’ve reached this point, I find myself in a limbo, trying to decide what to do.

It is easy to end things when they go bad, really bad – where both of you have arguments daily, you stop sleeping in the same bed, you revert to full names rather than any nicknames. It is easy to end when things have gotten to the point where it is obvious to outsiders that something is wrong. It is not easy, when what is wrong is you. Where you have tried to figure out what is wrong with yourself, why can’t you feel all the right things. You know you’ve felt the correct way before, so why not now.

And yet that state of being remains elusive, beyond your grasp, a wisp behind some cloth, hiding as if there is some secret that you don’t know, but is crucial to resolving your current dilemma. While I have some ideas on what it takes to make a relationship last – certainly a conscious decision of commitment – are there emotional states to begin relationships where they are more likely to succeed?

Certainly, we would expect relationships starting from one night stands to be of the shorter variety than those between two co-workers increasingly spending more time with each other. But how long should you be in a relationship before you decide or realize yes or no? Is there a set point? I don’t know and I certainly don’t have a wealth of experience to draw upon to figure this out.

In fact, nobody could possibly have enough personal experience to figure this out. Either their reasoning would be false – why would you take long term relationship experience from someone who clearly cannot maintain one? Or the person would have a several pathetic life story, having fallen in love several times only to have their significant other ripped from life in a series of tragic but sometimes mundane happenings.

It doesn’t help to meet new people and consistently see something different. It doesn’t help to constantly have to validate your attraction, to be reminded of just how little you had in common, and then to reaffirm why you should still be together. Or perhaps it does, but my negative feelings about this are just an indicator that something truly is not right, and not actually a commentary on the actual process itself.

I am a person that does two things when someone asks me a question. While formulating the answer, simultaneously, I am also wondering why I’ve been asked. Is this a test? Or if I believe it to be a query for which the asker already knows the response, then why am I being asked? Is it to annoy me? Test whether I’m paying attention? A grab for attention. It is no wonder that I’m not the easiest person to be with.

I’m competitive, I pretend to be humble though apparently flaunt my knowledge. I’m judgmental, and at times can be very short and lack any patience or humor. Yet if someone has sticked with me through all of this for so long, don’t I owe them the benefit of the doubt. To be very thorough about analyzing my feelings. To only end things when we are ready to kill each other, and not just when I’m feeling more indifferent?

Even more problematic – isn’t this feeling part of a normal relationship? Don’t we go through times when our attraction and verve for our partner wanes? Isn’t the mark of a conscientious and committed person the ability to persevere and rekindle that spark? If I’m unable or unwilling to do this now, how does that bode for any future relationship? Would I just then throw it in the bag and move on yet again? I don’t want to establish a pattern of behavior that is disagreeable to me.

I wish I had answers, but I wonder, even if someone could claim to be the expert, to have the wisdom I require, the knowledge for which I thirst, would I even listen?


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