So Let it be Written, So Let it be Done!

July 30, 2008

Ahh, Finally a relaxing week

Filed under: car,grad school,kamakula,pittsburgh,writing — kamakula @ 12:39 am
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Despite the fact that it is 12:30AM and I’m at work (I took a few hours off between 10 and 12 to goto my Tuesday night hangout – the Shadow Lounge), this is still a pretty relaxed week. Yes, there is some work to be done on my car, but nothing approaching the amount or intensity of any weekend in the previous two months.

I can now actually get out again and do stuff. . . or go places and not do stuff if I so desire. Perhaps it was the alcohol, or perhaps it was the affirmation, but I feel really good right now. Let me explain:

Tuesday nights at Shadow Lounge is open-mic night. I’ve gone up a couple times to share things and this week, during the break, I made an effort to go and chat with a couple people (after first talking with the chick who seemed to be eyeing me when I first came in). Anyway, someone told me that they liked my presentation from last week.

I was floored because frankly I feel that most people who come up are on a much different level than I. Even with that in the back of my head, I still felt good hearing that. Hopefully, this keeps up through next week when I’ll do a more or less finalized version of this.

Tonight, I also again put the car through some paces. . . whew, I’m falling in love all over again! This is a good thing. I already know that events such as accidents or major failure tends to alienate people from their cars and they usually end up selling it once it’s fixed. I’m glad that I still have the same enthusiasm for it. One thing that helps is that the car is, as my cousin put it on Saturday, “timeless”. I just love the look and can see myself with it for a long time. Having 50 more HP doesn’t hurt either 🙂

I’ve always felt that I could do well enough without having others to validate me. Certainly, that is a trait necessary for survival in a small company or research lab. But validation definitely has its good sides. Even though I’ve got a minimum of three more hours of work before I leave to catch some Zzzs, I feel really hyped to get my work done.

I think this is how I envisioned my entire summer experience. I’d work reasonable hours and be relaxed enough to enjoy it, even when doing boring things. Now, my goal is to attempt to replicate this zen-like feeling during the school year. I talked with a TLH friend online this evening and he mentioned leaving to go play volleyball. I definitely reminded me of the big sports void in my life. I’d love to get back into a volleyball and/or soccer league. That will definitely be on my calendar this fall semester!

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May 8, 2008

I’m Going to Do It. . .

Filed under: blogging,drama,kamakula,writing — kamakula @ 12:34 am
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What is that it you may ask? I’ve been frequenting this nightspot that has an open-mic night. In general, things like that tend to motivate me if I hang around long enough – I almost convinced myself to attempt some stand-up comedy before I left TLH. According to a friend of mine, it was a good thing that was never inflicted upon the world.

Perhaps at some point, I’d do the composition here. But for now, this feels more complete to me . . .

The lyrics to a song go “I know you think that i shouldn’t still love you or tell you that. But if I didn’t say it, well, I’d still have felt it, where’s the sense in that? I promise I’m not trying to make your life harder or return to where we were”.* Those are the first few lines of the song. I’d always liked it, never understanding the resonance it had with me, not knowing why it stayed on my playlist.

But after meeting you, I see why. Somehow, the words conveyed a meaning, a meaning of words before their time, echoing between the void of space and time, taking me to a place, not that I’d never been before, but I was destined to tread, to walk, a bit more jaded, not quite baring my soul as before, but yet, putting myself there, making myself vulnerable, exposing that part of me which in foolishness was unprotected.

Unlike Achilles, I was not dipped into the river of immortality by someone with a firm grip on my heart, instead it was the work of chronos, in the heat of my formation, my period of learning, growing, yearning, thinking that life was perfect, reasoned, wrapped up, and under my control, yes, I too was arrogant. However, unlike the ill-fated Achilles, when my weakness is revealed, it is not by accident, it is with a purpose.

Others cannot get close as long as there is a shield up, a force field in their way. Invisible yes, impenetrable, I’d like to think no. Like the cells that make up our body, it is semi-permiable membrane. Under the right conditions, some molecules can make their way through, gaining access to the very core. However, these barriers can also be lowered under conscious control. And so, that’s how you got close.

Your smile set the mood, eyes glittering like the reflection of fire in sapphires, the combination catching my attention, spiking my interest already aroused by the curvy of your torso, from bottom to top teasing the eye with the sensualness that your attire tried to hide, but could not
suppress. The dichotomy further drawing my attention, my smile, and so I respond, teasing you in conversation, wanting to hold your eyes on me, keep your voice tuned to me.

If our attraction sounded the first bell anouncing a weakening of my defenses, it was the verbal sparring that tired me. Your pedigree preceeds you, your intellect scintillating, yet we did not chat of technical matters, no need to focus on work or play, those pieces of the puzzle can come readily enough, yet even as I talk, elicit your laugh, your smile, the twisiting of your hair in your fingers, drawing my attention to reach over, an excuse to touch, to linger, to experience, I find I cannot read you.

Where others are an open book, you are closed. Despite our growing closeness, there is a void I cannot breach, a gap I cannot close. Others may well be foiled, but it is too late. I’m vulnerable before you, before your look, your touch, your smile, your laugh, your words, and there is one
thing I must know. The answering would just be throwing a single rope across the chasm. Dangerous it would be for me to attempt to cross on so tenuous a holding, but the prize is worth it.

Yet the timing is not right. Perhaps you don’t have a line to cast, or the ground is too loose on your side to secure it. Nevertheless, “I will go down with this ship. I won’t put my hands up and surrender. There will be no white flag above my door”.

Perhaps I may add a bit more, but I’ve always been a write once kind of guy unless forced to revise. Still, mayhap it deserves a bit more attention. Maybe Thursday evening, I’ll have more reason, more motivation, more experience to draw on, for which to add, to bring it to final completion.

In terms of technicality, I think I’ve given up on attempting to make thing rhyme. Here, I did that a bit, or at least I established a rhythm which can be easily seen in the writing or heard if I read it aloud. I’ve been told my face is pretty expressive. I know my voice can be, but I’ll be nervous reading this much of myself out to people, so I’m not sure how much of the meaning I’ll be able to communicate beyond the text.

I think that is what draws me to creative mediums. I feel that my skills in subcommunication are lacking. Yet this is the richness of life. Meaning beyond words. Meaning infused in the inflection of our voice, the raising of our eyebrows, the curl of our lip, genuflection of our hands.

I hope this experience, if it will be as transient as anything else has been in my life, will be one where I make some improvement, some measure of something that stays with me. That even when not active, is still there. Then like riding a bicycle, when I need to turn to the skill, in a moment of despair, a moment to connect, a moment to prove myself, it is there, reassuring and uplifting.

*The song is White Flag by Dido.

May 5, 2008

Wow – I need to get more Specific!

Filed under: kamakula,writing — kamakula @ 2:40 pm
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So,

Last week I’d worked on my resume and updated my monster.com profile. This morning, I wake up to a phone call from a recruiter in NJ asking if I was interested in coming up there. Interesting, but she wanted someone full-time for at least a year, and I only need something for the summer.

I need to update that resume fast with something that indicates exactly what I want. A summer engineering position either here in the burg or in the California bay area before I have huge phone bills from talking to these people. This is exactly the reason I changed my phone number on my resume to my Skype number in 2006 when I was looking for a full-time job.

I guess I should be pleased with the attention. . . I need to find out from Nate if he’s updated his monster profile then. Makes no sense that I’m getting all this attention and he’s not.

April 3, 2008

Help!

Filed under: grad school,kamakula,writing — kamakula @ 8:56 pm
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This has been a cool day aside from some craziness I tried to instigate while in my DSP class. Once that was over, I found myself saying some words in my head and decided to write them down.

[Getting a tablet has definitely been a good choice for me! At first, it was mainly about the blend of ultra cool/ hip tablet plus powerful and useful laptop. Now though, note taking and jolting down ideas, drawings, or even unobtrusive surfing of the net where it looks like I’m taking notes 🙂 are cool uses that simplify and enrich my daily use.]

Anyway, I started writing and the attached is what came about. It’s currently incomplete but if you’ve got ideas on how to continue or finish up, let me know!

Untitled

April 1, 2008

Interpret at your Own Risk

Filed under: kamakula,writing — kamakula @ 4:00 am
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So, the original title of this was ‘As you like it”. . . then I wrote this and decided to change the title:

Someone once accused me of being a Shakespeare nerd. I denied it. . . then almost as quickly ended up revealing my true colors. In any case, this has nothing to do with Shakespeare or even really the topic of that play. Instead, it just happened to be the words that came out while trying to determine a title for this. Perhaps an alternate could be “Interpret at your own risk. . .”

So. . .after a long haitus, I finally wrote something that did not necessarily have anything to do with robotics, school, or my life. Interesting where one can find motivation:

5 o’clock phone call, hi there, look girl, i’ll be over in a couple hours. Let’s go!
Wear something comfortable, an intersting time is gonna be ours. Let’s go.

I arrive a little late, but hey don’t panic, get in let’s go to the place I discussed.
I want you to take the lead, here are the keys, and don’t forget my rule, safety first.

I don’t mean to rush you girl, but let’s get down to business huh. Let’s go.
what? ok, go ahead and check the mirror, the switch is over there. Let’s go.
This looks like a good spot, let’s slow down and ease it in. Let’s go.

You think it’s too big? Nah girl it will fit. Just open your mouth. Let’s go.
Breathe. In. Out. Good, like that. Lets take it slow at first. Let’s go.
I’ll help you guide it in place. I’m going to put my hands on top of yours. Let’s go.
And. show. you. how. I. move. it. Let’s go.

Guiding your hands to the proper position, my fingers intertwining with yours, a gentle direction.
My voice cuts through your thoughts, alright girl, lets pull out and do it again. Let’s go.
You didn’t think this would be over, in. a. few seconds did you now? Let’s go.

In and out we go, once, twice, thrice. But I’m not satisfied with just one ride.
I move you to another position and we turn in at a different angle.
Do you want a challenge girl, lets turn around and do if from the opposite direction.

When we’re done, you’re a different person. The tension is gone from your neck, your shoulders.
Thanks. you. say. for. teaching me to parallel park.

Yeah. . . that’s how I roll 🙂

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