So Let it be Written, So Let it be Done!

August 29, 2010

You can’t be Right 100% of the time.

Filed under: blogging,drama,kamakula — kamakula @ 8:03 pm

People who know me, maybe with the exception of my parents, are probably divided into two camps. The first are filled with people with whom I have pretty much always been right. My guesses, conclusions, thoughts, comments about things have always been correct – or there were perfectly logical reasons why they’d be wrong and those who from time to time dislike that I pretty much live like I am always right.

For the most part (and take this with an entire bottle of salt), I am correct about things. . . except when those things concern me personally. Then my radar or whatever metaphorical sensory-computing device is at play gets scrambled.

I’ve been in a great relationship. I think the best I’ve had in my life (full disclosure, I’ve only had 4 if we start counting from when I was 17 – i’m now 26 and by relationship, I mean something lasting more than 1 month).  But recently we’ve been having the “do you really want to see me or see someone else” conversation a lot.

I think that this stems mostly a series of incidents. My gf and I attended an event where an acquittance of mine displayed a lot of interest in me. And in the month since then, I have had more interaction with that acquittance including going to lunch with them – which I did not tell my gf about until two days afterward.

So, I won’t disagree that I am the cause for some of these problems. But in any case, tomorrow my girlfriend is going to break up with me. And I’m going to let her. I think I have decided that when it comes to relationships, you are either in or you are out. Flip-flopping may be fine the first few weeks, but not 3 months afterwards.

I always put more weight in the actions that people take, than necessarily the words they say. Though this may just be a cop out – and I will explain shortly. The reason I’m not going to fight it is because if this is what she wants, then I should not try to convince her otherwise. If someone is unhappy or unsatisfied enough that ending a relationship is among their best options for moving forward, then I should not stand in the way.

The reason I say this is a cop out is perhaps I don’t care enough to be willing to do or say whatever it would take to stay in this relationship. And so what I”m doing is taking the path of least resistance. Which if that is the case, then perhaps it should end anyway.

As sad as my day is going to be this time tomorrow, all my mind wants to snap at now is the thought that “This only proves my dad right – I have no idea what I’m doing where it comes to relationships”.

It is so easy to give other people advice. But this has me thinking, when it comes to something as subjective as this, who can really be qualified to give advice? Almost nobody has identical situation, and the odds of you being through the exact same thing twice, only the second time being able to make different decisions and have different outcomes is practically impossible.

So rather than vow to stop giving advice, I will instead try to recognize and verbalize the difference between my advice and my opinion.


June 13, 2010

Just Because Something Is The Best You’ve Experienced, Doesn’t Mean You’re Done Learning

Filed under: blogging,dating,drama,kamakula — kamakula @ 10:50 pm
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So, I am currently enjoying what seems to be the beginnings of a wonderful relationship. She is sexy, funny, smart, amazing, and caring. We seem to get along so well and are in the stage where we can’t get enough of each other. I’m starting to lose count of the number of dates which changed from our plans of about 4 hours with each other to 8 [or longer ;)].

One thing that we discussed on our first date is being open and honest with each other and in the subsequent times since then, we’ve kept that up. In fact, we’ve both remarked to each other that this is the most communicative romantic relationship either one of us have had.

But we’ve also had a couple hiccups in this regard. Where miscommunication on our part led to issues that took some time to resolve. Where for a few hours, one or both of us were walking around with our hearts in our throats. And if we were different people, if our feelings for each other weren’t so strong – to the point where no matter what happens, we’d still have a sit down and talk things through – things may have ended or gotten a bit rocky.

So, why is it that our most communicative relationship still has problems with communication? It’s not a paradox actually. And it took these two events for me to realize that just because something is my personal best, doesn’t mean I’m done working on improvements. I’d let myself think that once I’d found someone with whom I’d made such a great connection, that would be it. I’d be done working on my ability to share myself.

Not so fast . . . things are not that easy. Yes, it is amazing how comfortable I am with her and how much we are able to share with each other. Yes, this is the best we’ve ever had. No – it is still not enough. And to be honest, I find this amazing. We’d agreed before that one thing we really liked was that though it feels like we’ve known each other for much longer than our 1.5 months (of which we’ve been dating for 2 weeks), there is still an excitement and feeling of there being much more to discover.

Where in the past, miscommunication and disagreements have led to arguments (whose resolutions admittedly were followed up by great makeup sex), here, those things lead to discussions about ourselves where we talk about what happened and how to better communicate with each other [and romp as usual ;)]

It was very easy for me to discover that I wanted to be a lifelong learner, that no matter what I do academically and professionally, I will always have more to be taught, that I can always learn from others. Now I’m seeing that the same applies to being a communicator. And where at times before I’d seen it as a chore, now I find that my passion and desire to learn has expanded to this area.

May 5, 2010

And so we hold our breath and wait

Filed under: drama,kamakula — kamakula @ 11:13 am
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Last night I had an awesome date. We’d started off emailing each other. After a week of that we exchanged numbers to text. Which led to an intense 4 hours of random back and forth texts that sorta leveled off. Another week, and we decide to hang out, get some drinks chat.

To be honest, before hand, I was a bit worried about how things would go. No longer hiding behind our keyboards or phones, would our personalities in person mesh as well as our electronic ones? I got there about 12 minutes late. Not to worry, she was late by 10. I skipped her proffered hand and hugged hello. That went over well.

So, we get drinks, find a booth for ourselves and spend the next 2 hours holding an awesome free flowing conversation. We initially talked about school stuff, well really the behavior of people that we know or work with, and gradually moved on to other things. The laughter was effortless and natural. In fact, now that I think about it, there was never a nervous or awkward moment. At least not for me.

Then we headed over to another spot for a change of scenery and some dancing. Then afterwards grabbed a bite to eat before leaving for our respective domiciles. In all, it went pretty good. And apparently, all of my pretty good dates must occur just before I’m going out of town for the weekend. I wish there was a way to predict this ahead of time.

So I guess we’ll wait. Text some more, probably chat on the phone a bit, then hopefully have an encore performance next week.

April 27, 2010

Eureka – I Discovered My Relationship Downfall

Filed under: drama,kamakula — kamakula @ 6:51 pm
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Yep, that is right. After several years it finally hit me. I have poor impulse control. Not when it comes to doing or buying things, but with saying things. Well, perhaps not exactly saying things, more like treating people with the familiarity one usually reserves for those you have known for a long time.

See, my problem is that I have a relatively low social threshold, partly because there is the shy me who does not share much with anyone, there is the normal me which most people know, and there is the me which is locked away that even people who have known me for 6+ years still have very little clue.

Because I not a many layered person, it doesn’t take long for new people to make it to layer two. Unfortunately, this usually corresponds to the things that you joke, do, say, etc with people after you have built up enough mutual trust and respect so that some things are not as offensive, strange, or certainly easily recognizable as jokes.

So, what does this mean for me? I need to be a lot more cognizant of how soon I open up. Sure, jokes are fine, but keep them simple, without any quirks or references that I’m used to my friends or people who know me picking up upon. And slow down. The funny thing is, if I look back on my successful relationships (albeit we are hedging the definition of successful), that is exactly what ended up happening. Except I got there by accident, just without knowing.

This actually raises a question which I may address in another post – what is the line where exploiting my increasing knowledge of myself, others, relationships, and interpersonal interactions for my own benefit cross the line to being manipulative? I’ve had several people express to me lately that i’m a “bad” person for doing this – but isn’t that the point of having a brain, and learning from past mistakes and experiences? Or is it “bad” because my intentions don’t dovetail with those that others expect I should have?

April 21, 2010

Looking Back

Filed under: drama,kamakula,pittsburgh — kamakula @ 12:42 am
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So, these past couple weeks have been very non-productive for me. I’ve started eating twice a day (the same amount each time) which coupled with my liquids brings me close to 3000 calories a day (i’m working now to change that back to a reasonable 1500 – reasonable for my metabolism).

Since breaking up, I’ve dated one girl. We went out three times before things came to an end. But this time, the post mortem yielded some interesting information. First, the reason I got her number in the first place and got to the first date is that I did everything right up to that point. I was the pursuer. I made my interest known. I called her within a couple days of getting the number, I decided and organized our first date, etc.

And on that date and the second, I let her guide our interaction. I did not push to kiss or touch or anything else, I followed her lead. The third time around, I did not. And that is where I went wrong. Not only that, but when I think about it, that’s what has gone wrong in all the cases where I struck out within 3 dates.

It really is amazing to realize this about oneself. I feel so much happier as a person and look forward to getting to know the next person who takes a chance on me on a much better basis.

April 15, 2010

Out damn spot! Or blot. . . or however big you are

Filed under: drama,kamakula — kamakula @ 1:07 pm

Today I am frustrated with life. Well, really it started a few days ago and came to a head last night. But today it is. Why, because there are no guidebooks or signposts. There isn’t anything to guide you. It is not a linear time-invariant system where if you give it the same inputs, no matter what time you do it, you get the same outputs. No, completely different results for the exact same actions. How do you learn in this the face of something like this?

Or perhaps I have a personality defect. Some blotch which removes my ability to make correct decisions under certain circumstances. Which inevitably lead to days like today. When things are just crap.

I need to regain my focus. Go back to the core things. School and health. Right now, that is all that is important. So no need to care about anything else. Just exorcise it from my thoughts and actions and soon enough, it will just be a distant memory of a time that I mistakenly thought I wanted a different life.

It will be slow going. But if it was easy, they wouldn’t pay us the big bucks.

April 1, 2010

Conflicted Determination

Filed under: drama,kamakula — kamakula @ 1:07 am
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I think I’ve decided. She is no longer for me. Perhaps the new one I’ve met isn’t either, but that is for me to decide and learn. One thing seems clear, She isn’t going to be the one.

If I know this, then why aren’t I so definite? Because I don’t want to be the asshole bastard. Because I don’t want to be the bad guy. Because after going through two previous separations, I’m going to yet again instigate a third.

But this time, I know I’m right. Things have not really changed too much. They’ve gotten better in some ways or perhaps it’s easier for me to overlook them, but they’re still there. And I know that there are many times that I’m not exactly happy.

Though I know that I cannot possibly expect to be happy all the time in a relationship, I can damn well try. I, for better or for worse, have not made any unbreakable commitments. Worst case, I tarnish my reputation within a small group of people. Several years ago, this may have been enough for me to reconsider, regardless of how much I claim to be above peer pressure.

Today, I forge ahead. Because now, I’m playing for keeps. And I’m being selfish. I’m going for what I want. And if there is a conflict between you and me, then I choose me, and will just move on until what I am is what she is looking for. She asked me once to describe my ideal partner. She even through out some thoughts of her own about qualities. A list of things that would obviously exclude her. A list that I cannot deny to myself is true.

I wish it were not this way. I wish I did not care so much for someone whom I must now cast away. Like a toy I no longer want. It feels callous, mean, and ruthless. And in some ways, it must be that way. Perhaps what I should do is stop trying to hide from these aspects, but embrace them.

We are adults. We know these things don’t always work. Yet, it’s not like I don’t care for Her. On the contrary, She will forever inhabit a place in my heard. Like the One before Her, I will always cherish the time I’ve spent. But I must also be able to move on.

I hate this. I hate that things couldn’t be perfect. But I cannot be everyone or do anything. I need someone who can stand without me. Perhaps if I were . . . no. No entertaining possible scenarios and situations where things could have worked. And certainly no talk of maybes and what could bes when the time comes to officially end it.

No. Yes. I know what I need to do.

March 20, 2010

New Beginnings and Old Pain

Filed under: blogging,drama,kamakula — kamakula @ 2:06 pm

I feel like I’ve been just been bandaging something that needs to be amputated. But because of deep sentimental attachment, not wanting to deal with the pain that separation will cause, and feeling some guilt that I’ve reached this point, I find myself in a limbo, trying to decide what to do.

It is easy to end things when they go bad, really bad – where both of you have arguments daily, you stop sleeping in the same bed, you revert to full names rather than any nicknames. It is easy to end when things have gotten to the point where it is obvious to outsiders that something is wrong. It is not easy, when what is wrong is you. Where you have tried to figure out what is wrong with yourself, why can’t you feel all the right things. You know you’ve felt the correct way before, so why not now.

And yet that state of being remains elusive, beyond your grasp, a wisp behind some cloth, hiding as if there is some secret that you don’t know, but is crucial to resolving your current dilemma. While I have some ideas on what it takes to make a relationship last – certainly a conscious decision of commitment – are there emotional states to begin relationships where they are more likely to succeed?

Certainly, we would expect relationships starting from one night stands to be of the shorter variety than those between two co-workers increasingly spending more time with each other. But how long should you be in a relationship before you decide or realize yes or no? Is there a set point? I don’t know and I certainly don’t have a wealth of experience to draw upon to figure this out.

In fact, nobody could possibly have enough personal experience to figure this out. Either their reasoning would be false – why would you take long term relationship experience from someone who clearly cannot maintain one? Or the person would have a several pathetic life story, having fallen in love several times only to have their significant other ripped from life in a series of tragic but sometimes mundane happenings.

It doesn’t help to meet new people and consistently see something different. It doesn’t help to constantly have to validate your attraction, to be reminded of just how little you had in common, and then to reaffirm why you should still be together. Or perhaps it does, but my negative feelings about this are just an indicator that something truly is not right, and not actually a commentary on the actual process itself.

I am a person that does two things when someone asks me a question. While formulating the answer, simultaneously, I am also wondering why I’ve been asked. Is this a test? Or if I believe it to be a query for which the asker already knows the response, then why am I being asked? Is it to annoy me? Test whether I’m paying attention? A grab for attention. It is no wonder that I’m not the easiest person to be with.

I’m competitive, I pretend to be humble though apparently flaunt my knowledge. I’m judgmental, and at times can be very short and lack any patience or humor. Yet if someone has sticked with me through all of this for so long, don’t I owe them the benefit of the doubt. To be very thorough about analyzing my feelings. To only end things when we are ready to kill each other, and not just when I’m feeling more indifferent?

Even more problematic – isn’t this feeling part of a normal relationship? Don’t we go through times when our attraction and verve for our partner wanes? Isn’t the mark of a conscientious and committed person the ability to persevere and rekindle that spark? If I’m unable or unwilling to do this now, how does that bode for any future relationship? Would I just then throw it in the bag and move on yet again? I don’t want to establish a pattern of behavior that is disagreeable to me.

I wish I had answers, but I wonder, even if someone could claim to be the expert, to have the wisdom I require, the knowledge for which I thirst, would I even listen?

March 1, 2010

Do you know who you are? I don’t know who I am.

Filed under: drama,kamakula — kamakula @ 12:37 pm
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We had an argument last night which I think (because I don’t really know), left us angry for different reasons. Driving to school today, I spent some time thinking about why I felt the way I did. Partly because I’m starting to feel like I’m checking out of this and I’m trying to determine if it is just a moral failing on my part and I just need to work through it or is it because of stress and other outside issues or are there significant enough differences that could justify things not working.

And I realized something about myself. In relationships, I am a giver. I give of my time and resources. I help, encourage. I gladly sacrifice my time or give up things I want to do to make the other person happy. However, I have a threshold. There are certain things that are part of me. My domain. My time. And so this giving and sacrificing I do is not simply because I’m a nice boyfriend. It is to give me cover. It is an unsaid, “I do all of these things for you so that I don’t have to deal with you when X is going on”. That’s why sometimes I seem to be a paragon of patience and can listen to complaints and problems for hours some days, but others I want to cut things short and get to an immediate solution. In some way, I feel that I’ve earned time to myself or my activities and get upset when those boundaries are crossed.

So, as much as I think and act as if I am part of a new generation that doesn’t view relationships in an “old” fashioned way, essentially what ends up happening is that because I do so much and expect to be left alone for “my” time, I’ve effectively created a situation where there is a division of labor. Where I, the man, is the provider and caretaker, and in exchange for doing such I expect not to be bothered with other things.

So now I wonder. Is there something wrong with me? And how do I figure out what to do if I don’t fully understand my own motivations and feelings?

October 8, 2009

There are no Correct Decisions

Filed under: blogging,drama,kamakula — kamakula @ 3:01 pm

Well, I’ve returned to singledom. After months of being in an exclusive relationship, I found that she was not for me. This is a pretty hard decision to make because we still care a lot about each other. Sure, there were arguments and fights from time to time, but nothing I’d especially consider bad warning signs. There was hardly any bringing up of past wrongs, so most fights were on new things.

But as much as I would want, it just wasn’t there. Perhaps it is something that I could grow into or perhaps not. I think maybe not, at least not with me the way I am now. I want something else, someone else, and I need to be able to answer myself whether this something else (that I can’t obviously put down in words) actually exists with someone else.

Of course, the danger is that I’m wrong, and then I’d have ended a relationship that was otherwise going well. In these situations, no amount of list making and rationalization can help. Gut feelings is where the solution lies and my gut says I’m doing the right thing.

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