So Let it be Written, So Let it be Done!

June 13, 2010

Just Because Something Is The Best You’ve Experienced, Doesn’t Mean You’re Done Learning

Filed under: blogging,dating,drama,kamakula — kamakula @ 10:50 pm
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So, I am currently enjoying what seems to be the beginnings of a wonderful relationship. She is sexy, funny, smart, amazing, and caring. We seem to get along so well and are in the stage where we can’t get enough of each other. I’m starting to lose count of the number of dates which changed from our plans of about 4 hours with each other to 8 [or longer ;)].

One thing that we discussed on our first date is being open and honest with each other and in the subsequent times since then, we’ve kept that up. In fact, we’ve both remarked to each other that this is the most communicative romantic relationship either one of us have had.

But we’ve also had a couple hiccups in this regard. Where miscommunication on our part led to issues that took some time to resolve. Where for a few hours, one or both of us were walking around with our hearts in our throats. And if we were different people, if our feelings for each other weren’t so strong – to the point where no matter what happens, we’d still have a sit down and talk things through – things may have ended or gotten a bit rocky.

So, why is it that our most communicative relationship still has problems with communication? It’s not a paradox actually. And it took these two events for me to realize that just because something is my personal best, doesn’t mean I’m done working on improvements. I’d let myself think that once I’d found someone with whom I’d made such a great connection, that would be it. I’d be done working on my ability to share myself.

Not so fast . . . things are not that easy. Yes, it is amazing how comfortable I am with her and how much we are able to share with each other. Yes, this is the best we’ve ever had. No – it is still not enough. And to be honest, I find this amazing. We’d agreed before that one thing we really liked was that though it feels like we’ve known each other for much longer than our 1.5 months (of which we’ve been dating for 2 weeks), there is still an excitement and feeling of there being much more to discover.

Where in the past, miscommunication and disagreements have led to arguments (whose resolutions admittedly were followed up by great makeup sex), here, those things lead to discussions about ourselves where we talk about what happened and how to better communicate with each other [and romp as usual ;)]

It was very easy for me to discover that I wanted to be a lifelong learner, that no matter what I do academically and professionally, I will always have more to be taught, that I can always learn from others. Now I’m seeing that the same applies to being a communicator. And where at times before I’d seen it as a chore, now I find that my passion and desire to learn has expanded to this area.


June 8, 2010

I don’t have any words

Filed under: dating,kamakula — kamakula @ 12:10 pm
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I dislike writing two posts so close to each other because I always worry that the first one won’t get as much attention given that 70% of my views come from people searching “let’s see you dance sucka you got nothing on me” or something similar to that (and thus they get directed to a specific post) and about 20% come from clicking links to my blog  where you are directed to the most recent post.

So, while it is possible after reading one, you’d be tempted to go through and read more, I can’t be 100% sure of that. Therefore, if I want something read, aside from embedding keywords in it to redirect the 70% of my traffic, the next best thing is to give it the top spot for a few days. However, this is of enough. . . interest, excitement, je ne sais pais to me that I will bypass that feeling and not even just save it as a draft but publish immediately.

So, as some may know, I broke up with my last long term gf a couple months ago. And as of a month ago, through meeting a couple people on an online site I’d tried out and from striking up conversation with attractive women in bars, I’d started dating again. Then almost three weeks ago, I went on what I hope is my last first date in a while.

Spending time with her just keeps getting better. We’ve tried to explain to each other how we feel and the best that we’ve come up with is aside from just being happy from simply spending time with each other, it’s as if we have a familiarity borne from knowing someone for a long time, while at the same time things are constantly new and exciting.

I decided to lookup my list of dealmakers and dealbreakers that I’d posted as responses to aVSB posts a couple years ago (wow, it’s been that long). First, the dealmakers:

1. At least 5′4″ tall.

She is 5’8.
2. Gives good hugs. Snuggling/cuddling must also be included.

She gives great hugs. Snuggling and cuddling are included 😀

3. Likes to play with my hair (or lack thereof).

She likes me with a full beard. There is enough touch involved that this feels satisfied to me. I definitely am a person that needs affection in the form of physical contact. Something as simple as holding hands.
4. Has something that she’s passionate about that she is working on or working towards.

5. Can spend time with me without needing the entire time to be filled with conversation.

Check. We even had a conversation about out joint need for someone who can handle this.
6. When we have discussion or arguments, is willing to consider alternate points of view and amend ones own if it is demonstrated that she’s wrong. However, if she is right, she should not back down and just agree with me “to keep the peace”.

We’ve not quite gotten to this yet. So far, our “arguments” have been more playful and teasing than anything else.
7. Has just as much fun making up after arguments as I do. Willing to bribe me with physical affection if necessary :)

Well, no arguments. . . but I have been bribed once 🙂
8. Has a life. IE, does not spend all free time in apt doing nothing. Has other activities in her life than just me.

9. Can cook. I can cook too, but sometimes I don’t feel like it.

Made me soup a couple weeks ago when I was sick. Awesome. So was the soup. We had dinner at her place (she cooked) a few days afterwards – also very tasty. I think she’s got it covered.
10. Compatible sense of humor. My humor is a blend of sarcasm and nerdy humor. My fav comedian is currently Lewis Black. If you can get down with this, we’re good.

We make each other laugh all the time.
11. Someone I can be myself with and talk to for hours. It won’t necessarily be an unbroken string of conversation, but there have been very few people in my life with whom I could hang out with for hours at a time and we never really run out of stuff to talk about


Now, my dealbreakers:

1. Girls that are shorter than 5′4. I’m 6′2 and I like full body hugs too.

She’s fine here – the dealmaker post came after the dealbreaker one. For some of mine, I just recycled this list.

2. Girls that aren’t upfront with whether or not they’re interested. Since most chicks aren’t going to make the moves, I have to do so. Then your polite-thinking ass gives me your number knowing full well you’re not going to answer the call. Just don’t give it to me at all. I’m not fragile. I have better things to do.

She is definitely upfront with how she feels. I know there are some stuff she’s holding back. But so am I. I think it is mostly because we both don’t want to move too far too quickly.

3. Girls that can’t make a decision on where to go/what to do. I understand that some of you like the man to take charge and make the decisions on these things, but if the words “now it’s your turn to pick a place” come out of my mouth, it means that you better damn well come up with something.

Not an issue at all. A secondary dealbreaker to this – not being able to suggest alternatives when you cancel a plan I made – the first time this happened, she immediately came up with a replacement. If I didn’t know better, I’d think she knew my list 😉

4. Girls whose lives end once they get a boyfriend. My life isn’t ending just because I’m now with you. The 20 hours I spend in the lab may drop slightly to 19. . . but certainly not 4-5 so you can have me every waking hour. Keep your friends, go out, have fun and. . .

I don’t see this as being an issue. She’s 32 (I’m 25) – so she has an established life and routine and while I plan on becoming more a part of that, I definitely see we have our own thing as well that will not be overwhelmed by the other person.

5. Don’t have panic attacks if 12 hours or a day goes by without you hearing from me. . . or if I go someplace and don’t tell you. . . You can ask me what I was up to later, but there is a reason I didn’t come with a lojack subscription.

Check. No problems here.

6. Girls with unrealistic relationship expectations. Look, the “one true love” thing does not exist. You and I WILL have arguments, even if I have to make them up myself. So, if you think that disagreements are a sign of serious problems and will fuss and fret over every argument we ever have waiting for the floor to fall out from under you. . . umm, yeah.

Check. No problems here.

6. Self esteem issues. Look, if I’m with you, it’s because I think you are a goddess. I don’t mind reminding you of this on a recurring basis, but if you consistently put yourself down, I’m going to start thinking you’re no longer just looking for some verbal loving, but actually have serious problems. I’m still too young to have my own children, so I’ll just send you back to your parents.

We seem to be fine here.

7. Girls who’d complain EVERY SINGLE TIME about the toilet seat. Look, the way I see it, why should I always have to flip the seat? When I get up in the dark to goto the bathroom, I have to check that it’s up. Well, when you get up in the dark, you better be checking that it’s down. I have a large amount of patience and I’ll generally acquiesce to little things like that despite not seeing any fundamental reason why you are correct. However, if I must use the b-word to describe your comments to me over the subject, you have gone too far.

This is an issue that I think only comes up when you’re spending significant amounts of time at one persons place to the point where one person is sleeping over 3+ days a week. This hasn’t happened yet so doesn’t apply right now.

8. Girls who cannot enjoy your company silently. Now, I can understand when we’re first getting together, silence at this point generally is a sign of nervousness. But once we really know each other and are together, you really should be able to spend time with me without thinking something is wrong if a whole hour goes by without me saying a word to you.

Check. No problems here.

9. Girls that want to tell me the exact details of some problem 100 times. Look, I heard you the first few times. If you’re having some sort of computer problem, chances are, once I know you well enough, I don’t even need to hear from you what it is that you were doing in the 30 minutes prior to and 30 minutes following the problem. Now, being the nice man that I am, I will listen to this. However, if I am tired, frustrated with my own work, or have already heard the story 10 times, my patience will be severely strained and I will do what it takes to stop hearing the words. That means if you don’t stop talking when I ask, I’ll just go someplace else. When that happens, DO NOT PANIC. I don’t hate you, I just need some time to recharge. However, that also means when I’m back, you cut it with the same story.

Check. No problems here.

10. I don’t need another mom. It already annoys me when she wants to clean up my place when she visits. Besides, you don’t need to be that nice to keep me. Hmm. . .maybe I shouldn’t be releasing this info

Actually, I’ve never had this issue with anyone. But still, I can imagine it would annoy me to no end. I’ve not noticed any need for obsessive ordering of my apt so I think we are fine here as well.

So there we have it. Even going by myself from 2 years ago, she is pretty damn awesome. We have inside jokes already and she’s totally game for the pranks I want to pull. If we go by past experience, I always tend to end up in long term relationships with someone  with whom I spend this much time this quickly. I look forward to it.

June 2, 2010

I have decided – I will only date “the one”.

Filed under: dating,kamakula — kamakula @ 10:08 am
Tags: , ,

I know that may sound strange, but hear me out. Unfortunately, my last long term relationship was not with “the one”. It was with someone with whom I did like and grow to love in some ways, someone with whom I liked being around and had fun. But when we started seeing each other, I did not have that “this might be it” feeling. It was my expectation that as we got to know each other better, if we stayed together and continued to grow, that maybe that feeling would grow on my part. I’m starting to think that’s not how it works for me.

See, I’ve gone out with “the one” several times. The first time, it lasted 3 years and through 6 months of being engaged, until things took a drastic change and the relationship could not be sustained. But after that, from time to time, I’d go out with “the one” and things didn’t go anywhere. But still, that feeling and impression was there. It has only been with a minority of people I’ve dated (keep in mind I’ve perhaps dated 10-12 women in the past 4 years with most not lasting past 2 dates),  but despite those stats, perhaps my best bet is to only pursue things with those with whom I get that feeling.

I cannot describe how or why it happens. So far, all of them have been different – background, career goals, age, and other features. So, as much as the engineer in me would like to enumerate what these qualities may be in a woman, he can’t. A man who spends much of his life relying on rationality, a man who can explain to you that what other people call a “hunch” or “intuition” is really just logical deduction carried out by you unconscious mind, when faced with what feels like one of the biggest decisions in his life, is left to count on emotion.

Irony, you are my master.

May 27, 2010

The Dating Game: A New Story

Filed under: dating,kamakula — kamakula @ 11:36 pm
Tags: , ,

So, in what feels like a short time to me, I’ve met three interesting, smart, and quite attractive women. Had one promptly blow me off after what I thought was a great first date, two dates with the second with whom I just never quite felt the spark, and like Goldilocks, the third was just right. Somehow, that porridge analogy is making its way into my life more and more.

Regarding the first of the three. I pretty much relearned that I am incapable of being objective when it comes to my own emotions. Well, perhaps not incapable, but certainly I have a very hard time maintaining objectivity. Especially just after a first date. Where I had a great time and things seemed to go well. I suppose I will never really know the true reasons, but I did manage to convince myself for two weeks afterwards that maybe there was still a chance. When it comes to affairs of the heart, I let myself get too involved too fast. Honestly though, I don’t think that is something that will ever change.

Now, to my current beau. Hot. I must apologize to my exes, but she is the most attractive woman I’ve had the pleasure of reciprocating my feelings. She is also seven years older than I. Which is a change, I’ve usually dated between two years younger and 2 years older. That said, I’ve also recently gone out with someone 4 years older. Given that a year ago, these women would kiss me on the cheek and then say “you’re too young”, perhaps I’m approaching that golden age.

Right now, age is not an issue. And I’m going to try to live in the moment, and not spend too much time thinking towards the future of when I share more than the casual details of my relationship with my parents. And to think I was worried a month ago about dating a single mom. Anyway, I am really enjoying this. We have staring contests where we spend minutes just smiling and looking at each other, daring the other person to break the silence.

It feels good to be this happy and since none of my friends, with whom I’d usually call and have this conversation are answering their phones, I share this here. Because it has been just waiting to burst out of me. 😀

May 13, 2010

Dating was Easier in Elementary School

Filed under: dating,kamakula — kamakula @ 1:00 pm
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In my elementary school, if someone liked you, a piece of paper would randomly make it to your desk asking “Do you like me”? There would be two carefully drawn boxes next to the words “Yes” and “No”. All you had to do was check the box. Simple, efficient, fast, and neat.

As we got older, something told us that we needed to obfuscate the direct path between ‘I like you’ and ‘let’s hang out’. We spend time furtively reading articles on how to tell if a man is interested in you. Or what signs a woman gives if she wants you to “approach”. Yes. We know FIRST check for signs of if he or she wants us to even talk to them, let alone whether or not they are actually interested.

Perhaps because as adults, we may need to weed out a much larger number of potential suitors, and thus we have established a much more complex ritual of winks and secret smiles that only the one for whom it is truly intended (or who has read the correct books) can decipher.

Another things is that for some reason, as we have grown older, we apparently have acquired a fear of disappointing others. Whatever number of years ago it was, you just checked that NO box if you weren’t interested. Case closed. Now, you still give out your phone number, maybe even return a couple calls, then stop. The nicer ones give out fake numbers so that the more astute pursuer takes the hint immediately, though I’m sure there are some out there who go “NOOOOoooo, how did I transcribe those digits incorrectly” and spend the next hour trying any and all permuations of phone numbers where they can swap a 4 for a 9 or 1 for 7.

Yes. I realize most people don’t use the word ‘transcribe’ even when talking to themselves.

So, to help myself, I’ve come up with a few rules to guide my post digit getting behavior:

  1. If any conversation about going out again results in you being ignored until you change the subject, delete after the second occurrence.
  2. If you both are unable to find a common time (or make one) and things come up that for some reason nobody else can cover for you, delete after the second occurrence.
  3. If you are the only person ever changing your schedule, or the other person is never available for you, but you for them, delete after the third occurrence.
  4. If they never return your calls, delete after the third occurrence.

And there are a couple others. Essentially, I think to myself, what sort of behavior would I tolerate from my friends. If my friends can’t get away with it, then someone new in your life shouldn’t be given that freedom either.

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