So it is over. I guess I knew it would happen. Doesn’t hurt any less. In fact, it hurts more. As they say, “if you love them, let them go”. I fucking hate cliche sayings right now. Things will not go well for the next person to use one one me.
She told me that the primary reason was the difference in how much we cared for each other. That she kept thinking about a saying “if a man truly loves a woman, he’d move mountains” or something like that. It is probably a true saying. But like all sayings, they need to be grounded in reality. The “real” saying would read “If a man truly loves a woman, who trusts and cares for him, he’d move mountains (do anything) for her”.
Regardless of what I feel or felt, the last month has been mostly one of distrust. Actions do speak louder than words. If I am distrusted that much, my own feelings, thoughts, or views of what actually happened are irrelevant. They don’t matter. That distrust is still there. That unhappiness is still there. And as much as I want to be in a relationship, I already know how these things will end. We’d have made up, then 1 month, or 3 months from now, something else would bring us back here.
It sucks, but love is not enough. And regardless of how i feel, she wanted out of the relationship. She just isn’t willing to take that step herself. We have been here before. I thought that then, it was just a misunderstanding. But apparently there have been issues since the beginning. Middle. and End. So fine. So be it. I will be the one to end it now. What is there to talk about? We’ve had the same conversation over and over.
I hate that I fell in love with someone so quickly. I hate that I allowed myself to be blind to the warning signs. I hate that I’m stuck here and can’t leave for the next couple weeks because of school. I hate that I’m too broke to have anything I can afford to destroy and try and get rid of all these feelings. So no. I will suppress them. I will work. And maybe sometime in October, I can go somewhere quietly and just drive. I would do that tonight, but i barely made it home in one piece. So we’ll wait for a night where I’m just sad and not experience other negative emotions too.