So Let it be Written, So Let it be Done!

August 30, 2010

Tonights Game

Filed under: kamakula — kamakula @ 7:56 pm
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How efficient is your liver? Fuck tomorrow, besides my only problem will be an inability to eat until the late afternoon. Nothing unusual there.

1. Pint of Guinness
2. Pint of Guinness
3. Jameson on the rocks
4. Jameson on the rocks
5. Wild Turkey on the rocks

Some observations:
a. jameson doesn’t have the kick it did two years ago.
b. neither does bourbon for that matter.
c. wtf did I eat today?
d. I should stay time stamping stuff – 2053.

6. Yukon Jack and sprite – 2104

e. Cat mittons are awesome!
f. I can understand Saul needing the booze now. I feel neutral now, like I’m in the matrix and just seeing the truth of everything standing in front of me. – 2114.

7. Makers neat.

g. Fuck on the rocks, I’m having my shit neat from now on. – 2117
h. Charlie and the waitress are awesome. I wish I could have someone like that where we could joke like that about our relationship. – 2123.
i. broke up a potential bar fight, well more like a best down. Made a new friend Charlie. Got a free makers! – 2102

8. Makers neat.

j. Now there is at least someone who knows my girlfriend ended things with me today and I’m not the idiot at the bar. – 2230

9. Vodka Tonic – 2216.

k. Pimp juice by Nelly is awesome.
l. Wankster by 50 cent is great and charlie introduced me to Brian, a bartender.

10. Bacardi and coke.

m. Camron is awesome. I can still walk status without falling bitches! – 2240
n. tile bathroom walls hurt as much as regular walls. – 2245′

11. I don’t remember what I ordered but Carmenio agreed to pick me up, do I’m good. Tastes really good – 2300

n. it its a, good thing that that idiot was out numbered cuz otherwise I ask alkyd have joined in beating the shit out him. Now who the fuck knows. – 2303.

12. Don’t remember what I’m drinking. – 2306.

It’s now 1045am – I remember what 11 and 12 were – Maker’s neat. It was followed by 13 and 14 – Jager neat. Then 15 and 16 – Vodka tonic. I never did finish #16. I don’t think I barely touched it. By that time I was pretty woozy and doing what I could to not throw up. Tiki Lounge needs more open air flow – but I managed it.

I was right, though I was hoping I was wrong

Filed under: kamakula — kamakula @ 7:24 pm

So it is over. I guess I knew it would happen. Doesn’t hurt any less. In fact, it hurts more. As they say, “if you love them, let them go”. I fucking hate cliche sayings right now. Things will not go well for the next person to use one one me.

She told me that the primary reason was the difference in how much we cared for each other. That she kept thinking about a saying “if a man truly loves a woman, he’d move mountains” or something like that. It is probably a true saying. But like all sayings, they need to be grounded in reality. The “real” saying would read “If a man truly loves a woman, who trusts and cares for him, he’d move mountains (do anything) for her”.

Regardless of what I feel or felt, the last month has been mostly one of distrust. Actions do speak louder than words. If I am distrusted that much, my own feelings, thoughts, or views of what actually happened are irrelevant. They don’t matter. That distrust is still there. That unhappiness is still there. And as much as I want to be in a relationship, I already know how these things will end. We’d have made up, then 1 month, or 3 months from now, something else would bring us back here.

It sucks, but love is not enough. And regardless of how i feel, she wanted out of the relationship. She just isn’t willing to take that step herself. We have been here before. I thought that then, it was just a misunderstanding. But apparently there have been issues since the beginning. Middle. and End. So fine. So be it. I will be the one to end it now. What is there to talk about? We’ve had the same conversation over and over.

I hate that I fell in love with someone so quickly. I hate that I allowed myself to be blind to the warning signs. I hate that I’m stuck here and can’t leave for the next couple weeks because of school. I hate that I’m too broke to have anything I can afford to destroy and try and get rid of all these feelings. So no. I will suppress them. I will work. And maybe sometime in October, I can go somewhere quietly and just drive. I would do that tonight, but i barely made it home in one piece. So we’ll wait for a night where I’m just sad and not experience other negative emotions too.

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