So Let it be Written, So Let it be Done!

April 1, 2010

Conflicted Determination

Filed under: drama,kamakula — kamakula @ 1:07 am
Tags: , , ,

I think I’ve decided. She is no longer for me. Perhaps the new one I’ve met isn’t either, but that is for me to decide and learn. One thing seems clear, She isn’t going to be the one.

If I know this, then why aren’t I so definite? Because I don’t want to be the asshole bastard. Because I don’t want to be the bad guy. Because after going through two previous separations, I’m going to yet again instigate a third.

But this time, I know I’m right. Things have not really changed too much. They’ve gotten better in some ways or perhaps it’s easier for me to overlook them, but they’re still there. And I know that there are many times that I’m not exactly happy.

Though I know that I cannot possibly expect to be happy all the time in a relationship, I can damn well try. I, for better or for worse, have not made any unbreakable commitments. Worst case, I tarnish my reputation within a small group of people. Several years ago, this may have been enough for me to reconsider, regardless of how much I claim to be above peer pressure.

Today, I forge ahead. Because now, I’m playing for keeps. And I’m being selfish. I’m going for what I want. And if there is a conflict between you and me, then I choose me, and will just move on until what I am is what she is looking for. She asked me once to describe my ideal partner. She even through out some thoughts of her own about qualities. A list of things that would obviously exclude her. A list that I cannot deny to myself is true.

I wish it were not this way. I wish I did not care so much for someone whom I must now cast away. Like a toy I no longer want. It feels callous, mean, and ruthless. And in some ways, it must be that way. Perhaps what I should do is stop trying to hide from these aspects, but embrace them.

We are adults. We know these things don’t always work. Yet, it’s not like I don’t care for Her. On the contrary, She will forever inhabit a place in my heard. Like the One before Her, I will always cherish the time I’ve spent. But I must also be able to move on.

I hate this. I hate that things couldn’t be perfect. But I cannot be everyone or do anything. I need someone who can stand without me. Perhaps if I were . . . no. No entertaining possible scenarios and situations where things could have worked. And certainly no talk of maybes and what could bes when the time comes to officially end it.

No. Yes. I know what I need to do.

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