So Let it be Written, So Let it be Done!

March 1, 2010

Do you know who you are? I don’t know who I am.

Filed under: drama,kamakula — kamakula @ 12:37 pm
Tags: , , , ,

We had an argument last night which I think (because I don’t really know), left us angry for different reasons. Driving to school today, I spent some time thinking about why I felt the way I did. Partly because I’m starting to feel like I’m checking out of this and I’m trying to determine if it is just a moral failing on my part and I just need to work through it or is it because of stress and other outside issues or are there significant enough differences that could justify things not working.

And I realized something about myself. In relationships, I am a giver. I give of my time and resources. I help, encourage. I gladly sacrifice my time or give up things I want to do to make the other person happy. However, I have a threshold. There are certain things that are part of me. My domain. My time. And so this giving and sacrificing I do is not simply because I’m a nice boyfriend. It is to give me cover. It is an unsaid, “I do all of these things for you so that I don’t have to deal with you when X is going on”. That’s why sometimes I seem to be a paragon of patience and can listen to complaints and problems for hours some days, but others I want to cut things short and get to an immediate solution. In some way, I feel that I’ve earned time to myself or my activities and get upset when those boundaries are crossed.

So, as much as I think and act as if I am part of a new generation that doesn’t view relationships in an “old” fashioned way, essentially what ends up happening is that because I do so much and expect to be left alone for “my” time, I’ve effectively created a situation where there is a division of labor. Where I, the man, is the provider and caretaker, and in exchange for doing such I expect not to be bothered with other things.

So now I wonder. Is there something wrong with me? And how do I figure out what to do if I don’t fully understand my own motivations and feelings?

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