So Let it be Written, So Let it be Done!

May 20, 2008

Accidentally Making it Through Life

Filed under: kamakula — kamakula @ 12:28 am
Tags: , ,

I don’t want to accidentally make it through life. I want to move with a purpose. I want to find a research project because I took the time to seek it out, not because I happened to be somewhere working with someone and through random chance, I mentioned something and that set off a chain of events where they introduced me to some friend.

While I certainly appreciate situations like those, for some reason they seem to diminish the achievement. Though as I write this, I wonder if I’m being too harsh. After all, a person cannot conceivably have knowledge of everything going on and part of successful living involves making use of relationships one develops with others.

Writing this post stems from a post here. VSB is out to inform women, once and for all, the signs that indicate that a man is interested in them beyond just satiating sexual appetites. To me, this list goes without saying. But then I thought about whether I could make a similar list of signs that a woman is interested in a man. . . and while I could probably list one or two, that’s about as far as it goes.

This exercise reminds me that everyone does not view things in the way that I want them to view it. Instead, people have their own views, their own thoughts, that are different. If one fails to realize this, from time to time, one will become frustrated with others simply because their behavior will not make sense.

I’m going to make a relatively big logical leap here (because it’s already happened in my head) . . . Given that one cannot fully understand someone else’s behavior or motivations, do two people ever purposefully start a relationship (of any sort) where everything that happened was deliberate and not through some intermediary person or situation?



  1. “I’m going to make a relatively big logical leap here (because it’s already happened in my head) . . . Given that one cannot fully understand someone else’s behavior or motivations, do two people ever purposefully start a relationship (of any sort) where everything that happened was deliberate and not through some intermediary person or situation?”

    My isn’t this a complex and loaded question but I would have to say yes. People are exposed to one another through intermediary terms but it is up to the two people involved to make it happen. And the key is to not let others decide where you go from there…but the most important part of the equation is communication. It is quite obvious that men and women have completely different thought patterns, our logic seems illogical to you and vice versa.

    Now because of this communication flaw it’s hard to say that anything is done deliberately, you have one intention and we view it differently than what you intended. It’s a complex situation, if relationships were as simple as some would like to make them(including our VSB) then everyone would be in one.

    Comment by Teacia — May 20, 2008 @ 9:34 am | Reply

  2. “do two people ever purposefully start a relationship (of any sort) where everything that happened was deliberate and not through some intermediary person or situation?”

    can you expound? just want to be a bit more clear before i answer

    Comment by the champ — May 21, 2008 @ 10:19 am | Reply

  3. Many things in our lives happen through connections with other people and not directly through our own actions. For example, searching for a job. Sometimes, we find one when we look through job postings or putting our resumes out into the fray. Other times, we’re at a dinner or some function talking with someone about our career goals and a light bulb clicks in their mind and they put you in contact with someone else. You get the job and things are gravy.

    I started to wonder if relationships work that way too. That is, if we apply the same thinking as above, there are two ways a relationship could start. We could have two people who are out to start a serious relationship. When they meet someone they feel has potential, they communicate this (perhaps not quite that intense an interest) and things go from there. Or is it that we’re out hanging out with friends, having a conversation about the kind of person that we want to be with, and a light bulb goes off in someone’s head and they realize that an attractive associate/friend/sibling/cousin of theirs not only matches what you want, but is looking for the qualities that you have. And so they put you together – or you are a student. . . say a law student, and you spend many hours working with and studying with another attractive one. However, you’re both not initially interested in each other beyond friendship and scholarly collaboration. However, during those late nights in the library, you both talk about your goals, dreams, expectations, and start to find that there is more to each other that meet the eye.

    So, the question becomes, when we find ourselves in good relationships, did they happen because we were actively putting effort into finding them, or did we sorta stumble across them as we were out living our life?

    Comment by kamakula — May 21, 2008 @ 3:33 pm | Reply

  4. Even though it has taken me some time to respond, I LOVE this post.

    Why do you not want to accidentally make it through life? I think there are degrees of this, like there could be someone with “zero” motivation who stays in his hometown his whole life not really amounting to anything while talking about how his hometown sucks.

    Or there is someone (like me) who upon taking a Chemistry class in high school has something click where suddenly I was 100% sure that I was born to be a chemist. And I am still sure, even if grad school sucks at times, I LOVE research. So I map out a plan and play the game and get what I want.

    I might blog about this motivation topic later on peng mist.

    As far as science goes, “making it accidentally” is part of the game. It is SOO hard to tell at first glance how cool a project really is. It takes months or years before you can appreciate all of the complex stuff going into it, because it takes that long to really learn and understand everything about a research project. So in that case, everyone makes it accidentally when they pick a research project. But most all of science is very cool once you really understand it, so everyone is happy in the end. The only flaw here is if you join a project with a prof who does BAD science, who doesn’t think about all of the variables and assumptions going into every experiment. Then you learn something that is more of a hoax than it is science.

    Also, they say “science doesn’t happen in a vacuum.” Even if you are a professor coming up with your own experiments, you have to be inspired by SOMETHING. Sometimes you dream it first, but I bet the vast majority of times you see an unrelated departmental seminar 2 weeks before your student gets an “odd” result and then you combine the new ideas in your head and come up with another PhD project.

    Now, relationships. It is easier for girls to know if a boy likes her than for boys to know. This is partially biology and partially socialization. (Read The Female Brain) Women are physically less powerful than men. So the cave-women who could predict the man’s actions by reading his body language and tone of voice had a greater chance of survival. (I do I shitty job of convincing you of this but that is the gist from the female brain book.) So self-aware girls can tell if a boy likes her. (Me = self aware) Some dumb girls or social phobic girls cannot tell, and unaware girls ignore the obvious signs or are in denial about them.

    Now to answer your question:
    Are there good relationships as a result of the two people actively pursuing them? YES. Plenty. I mean, my husband and I were in the same lab (not lab partners) when we met. Our first discussion was about the research in his dad’s lab. I was hooked. I didn’t know he liked me at this time, but I keep talking to him when the situation lends itself. Then 2 weeks later we are walking out of lecture and he announces loudly “Fermi You are AWESOME!” And I knew he would be “asking me out” and I didn’t have to do anything for us to have a relationship. Now, after he invited me over to his place ONCE, I invited him over to mine, and so that is when HE knew that I was interested. (Now nothing sexual had happened at this point just fyi)

    Now, MOST girls are not mature, they are not self-aware and they do not know exactly what they want in a relationship. Additionally they may have hang-ups about “the game” who calls who first, etc. But I guess you don’t want a girl like that. When the right one comes you will know. Then you should act on it. And if she IS the right one, she will be emotionally mature enough and self-aware enough to handle your acting on it. If she isn’t then you don’t want to date her anyway…

    Comment by Fermi — June 3, 2008 @ 10:22 pm | Reply

  5. In the comments to another post, you asked what was wrong with accidentally making it through life. . .

    It’s not a bad thing. It just is a frustrating thing at times. You gave an example about you and Jips however, that’s not quite what I meant. If it was that you and Jips met each other and your interaction and relationship together was for the express purpose of pursuing a romantic relationship, then that’s no “accident”. I put it in quotes because perhaps accident is not quite the best word to describe this.

    There are times when I want certain things to work out. I meet someone amazing, I work out a great (i think) idea, I put a lot of hard work into something. . .and nothing comes of it. But then, I’m working on some other project, getting frustrated, goto take a quick nap in the library and something about that triggers a though in my head and suddenly I’ve found an alternate solution that nobody had even considered.

    Here is another example. So, I’d planned on putting a more powerful engine in my car a few years from now. However, my engine giving up the ghost now forces me to make a decision, do I do that now, or replace with the same engine and postpone the upgrade? One issue is that no matter when it happens, upgrading to what I want will cost a lot. Then, a couple days ago, I saw an ad for the parts I needed for less than half of what I expected to pay! I missed out on the opportunity, but I now wonder how easy it will be for me to find such a deal when I’m ready to pay for it and have the time to do all the work, versus now when I don’t.

    I don’t dislike things like that happening. . .I guess I just want more control.

    Comment by kamakula — June 3, 2008 @ 11:43 pm | Reply

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