So Let it be Written, So Let it be Done!

April 10, 2008

Dancing Around in Squares

Filed under: drama,kamakula — kamakula @ 9:54 pm
Tags: , , ,

I think I’m too serious for my own good. I’ve worked hard at changing this, but my default facial expression, when I start thinking about things and forget that someone could be looking still comes across as “sad”. I prefer pensive, but I guess that’s not it. And now, I find myself wanting to have tun, but doing it seriously.

I suppose the word ‘casual’ just doesn’t exist for me. [ get too emotionally involved, give too much of myself. I think even if there were ground rules, people will likely still get hurt. Things change, they always do. It cannot be helped. Then what do you do? It is easy to say to oneself, I’ll only get in this deep, but you get ther and find you need to take a few more steps to continue. Now what? a little more, and you’re deeper than you wanted, stay where you are and you can’t ride the rollercoaster. Fun and excitement are within your grasp, but so are hurt and pain.

Game theory attempts to explain, using utility theory and other logical concepts, the decision mating process that humans make. Often, engineers and mathematicians use it to generate the optimum or best decision. However, plenty of experiments and studies have demonstrated that humans don’t always make the “best” decision, even when they have access to (and understand) the individual risks and rewards. There are other things that motivate us as well. Experiments always talk about independence, that one event does not influence another. That one result does not depend on another.

However, we’re not like that. Our decisions are always a daisy chaining process, where we not only maximize the “expected” outcome, but we also endeavor to protect ourselves, either from disappointment, shame. We make decisions based on our principles, our conscience, rather than simply the facts and realities of the situation. We refer to those things as “cold” and “hard”.

I think I discovered another one of those harmatias of mine. . . But, this is not the forum for that. Though it is related. I have a hard time thinking of times, recent times, where I’ve done something just for the hell of it. No thought, no reason. People used to tell me I’m serious, even when I’m having fun. Perhaps that’s true. I think I bring intensity to everything I do, even when it’s not required or wanted. Even when I may not want that much. Perhaps this is a part of me that cannot be suppressed or tricked. Or maybe it can. I think it can and has been. But only for a short period of time, it hides in my unconscious, lulling me, lulling you.

It’s interesting, this line of though started this morning with me pondering plausible deniability. It’s the excuses we use to explain away our behavior. When we want to do something that is at odds with who others think we are, or we just want to be naughty, free, independent, fun, or something else for a time or two. When you use the words “one thing led to another”, you’re invoking plausible deniability. When a guy invites you back to his place to check out his stamp collection, he’s invoking plausible deniability. In fact, we do it for ourselves, as well as for others.

Is this the dance of plausible deniability, or the one of realization that however I may try, I’m not going to believe the excuses I give myself. Or I’m too scared to even offer up the flimsiest?

As expected, we got extra time to finish the DSP project. Which is good because I’m effectively not going to get any more work done today, friday, or saturday.

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