Tonights Game

How efficient is your liver? Fuck tomorrow, besides my only problem will be an inability to eat until the late afternoon. Nothing unusual there.

1. Pint of Guinness
2. Pint of Guinness
3. Jameson on the rocks
4. Jameson on the rocks
5. Wild Turkey on the rocks

Some observations:
a. jameson doesn’t have the kick it did two years ago.
b. neither does bourbon for that matter.
c. wtf did I eat today?
d. I should stay time stamping stuff – 2053.

6. Yukon Jack and sprite – 2104

e. Cat mittons are awesome!
f. I can understand Saul needing the booze now. I feel neutral now, like I’m in the matrix and just seeing the truth of everything standing in front of me. – 2114.

7. Makers neat.

g. Fuck on the rocks, I’m having my shit neat from now on. – 2117
h. Charlie and the waitress are awesome. I wish I could have someone like that where we could joke like that about our relationship. – 2123.
i. broke up a potential bar fight, well more like a best down. Made a new friend Charlie. Got a free makers! – 2102

8. Makers neat.

j. Now there is at least someone who knows my girlfriend ended things with me today and I’m not the idiot at the bar. – 2230

9. Vodka Tonic – 2216.

k. Pimp juice by Nelly is awesome.
l. Wankster by 50 cent is great and charlie introduced me to Brian, a bartender.

10. Bacardi and coke.

m. Camron is awesome. I can still walk status without falling bitches! – 2240
n. tile bathroom walls hurt as much as regular walls. – 2245′

11. I don’t remember what I ordered but Carmenio agreed to pick me up, do I’m good. Tastes really good – 2300

n. it its a, good thing that that idiot was out numbered cuz otherwise I ask alkyd have joined in beating the shit out him. Now who the fuck knows. – 2303.

12. Don’t remember what I’m drinking. – 2306.

It’s now 1045am – I remember what 11 and 12 were – Maker’s neat. It was followed by 13 and 14 – Jager neat. Then 15 and 16 – Vodka tonic. I never did finish #16. I don’t think I barely touched it. By that time I was pretty woozy and doing what I could to not throw up. Tiki Lounge needs more open air flow – but I managed it.

I was right, though I was hoping I was wrong

So it is over. I guess I knew it would happen. Doesn’t hurt any less. In fact, it hurts more. As they say, “if you love them, let them go”. I fucking hate cliche sayings right now. Things will not go well for the next person to use one one me.

She told me that the primary reason was the difference in how much we cared for each other. That she kept thinking about a saying “if a man truly loves a woman, he’d move mountains” or something like that. It is probably a true saying. But like all sayings, they need to be grounded in reality. The “real” saying would read “If a man truly loves a woman, who trusts and cares for him, he’d move mountains (do anything) for her”.

Regardless of what I feel or felt, the last month has been mostly one of distrust. Actions do speak louder than words. If I am distrusted that much, my own feelings, thoughts, or views of what actually happened are irrelevant. They don’t matter. That distrust is still there. That unhappiness is still there. And as much as I want to be in a relationship, I already know how these things will end. We’d have made up, then 1 month, or 3 months from now, something else would bring us back here.

It sucks, but love is not enough. And regardless of how i feel, she wanted out of the relationship. She just isn’t willing to take that step herself. We have been here before. I thought that then, it was just a misunderstanding. But apparently there have been issues since the beginning. Middle. and End. So fine. So be it. I will be the one to end it now. What is there to talk about? We’ve had the same conversation over and over.

I hate that I fell in love with someone so quickly. I hate that I allowed myself to be blind to the warning signs. I hate that I’m stuck here and can’t leave for the next couple weeks because of school. I hate that I’m too broke to have anything I can afford to destroy and try and get rid of all these feelings. So no. I will suppress them. I will work. And maybe sometime in October, I can go somewhere quietly and just drive. I would do that tonight, but i barely made it home in one piece. So we’ll wait for a night where I’m just sad and not experience other negative emotions too.

You can’t be Right 100% of the time.

People who know me, maybe with the exception of my parents, are probably divided into two camps. The first are filled with people with whom I have pretty much always been right. My guesses, conclusions, thoughts, comments about things have always been correct – or there were perfectly logical reasons why they’d be wrong and those who from time to time dislike that I pretty much live like I am always right.

For the most part (and take this with an entire bottle of salt), I am correct about things. . . except when those things concern me personally. Then my radar or whatever metaphorical sensory-computing device is at play gets scrambled.

I’ve been in a great relationship. I think the best I’ve had in my life (full disclosure, I’ve only had 4 if we start counting from when I was 17 – i’m now 26 and by relationship, I mean something lasting more than 1 month).  But recently we’ve been having the “do you really want to see me or see someone else” conversation a lot.

I think that this stems mostly a series of incidents. My gf and I attended an event where an acquittance of mine displayed a lot of interest in me. And in the month since then, I have had more interaction with that acquittance including going to lunch with them – which I did not tell my gf about until two days afterward.

So, I won’t disagree that I am the cause for some of these problems. But in any case, tomorrow my girlfriend is going to break up with me. And I’m going to let her. I think I have decided that when it comes to relationships, you are either in or you are out. Flip-flopping may be fine the first few weeks, but not 3 months afterwards.

I always put more weight in the actions that people take, than necessarily the words they say. Though this may just be a cop out – and I will explain shortly. The reason I’m not going to fight it is because if this is what she wants, then I should not try to convince her otherwise. If someone is unhappy or unsatisfied enough that ending a relationship is among their best options for moving forward, then I should not stand in the way.

The reason I say this is a cop out is perhaps I don’t care enough to be willing to do or say whatever it would take to stay in this relationship. And so what I”m doing is taking the path of least resistance. Which if that is the case, then perhaps it should end anyway.

As sad as my day is going to be this time tomorrow, all my mind wants to snap at now is the thought that “This only proves my dad right – I have no idea what I’m doing where it comes to relationships”.

It is so easy to give other people advice. But this has me thinking, when it comes to something as subjective as this, who can really be qualified to give advice? Almost nobody has identical situation, and the odds of you being through the exact same thing twice, only the second time being able to make different decisions and have different outcomes is practically impossible.

So rather than vow to stop giving advice, I will instead try to recognize and verbalize the difference between my advice and my opinion.