The Armchair Genius

That’s right people. I am an armchair genius. I sit in front of my tablet, read the news or watch it, read blogs or online magazines, and think about how much smarter, how much more self control, how much more morally consistent I am than everyone else. It is not hard to believe, after all, the world revolves around me. And as such, I’m glad you’ve humbled yourself today to catch even a small nugget of my intellect.

Yesterday I read about the Stanford Prison study. There have been other psychological experiments which yielded similar results but the conclusions drawn here were applied to an article discussing torture and Abu Grahib and the kind of situation that can make otherwise “good” people go “bad”. I will state now that in my infinite wisdom, I have already determined that “good” and “bad” are very subjective. That good and bad are not fundamental qualities of a person, but just a general consensus of how we (and they) view the results of their actions and motivations.

For example, the issue of torture. I’m sure there are many who believe what they were doing is right. That their methods were justified by their results, whatever that may actually have been. That by “keeping us safe”, they should have a get out of jail free card. But on my end, I just see torture. And as with anything that does not directly affect me, I feel that our laws should be immediately and impartially applied to them.

However, there are those that passionately feel the opposite. It is tempting to think they are idiots, immoral, unethical, lacking of humanity. But mayhaps they are not. I used to believe that ignorance played a major role in such things. It certainly can neatly explain why racism still exists and how many conservatives act like it doesnt. It neatly explains how they can earnestly decry any responsibility for what minorities have gone through and continue to experience in this country. It is how they can make statements like “What other country do you people have this level of rights and standard of living” without seeming to realize that until things are equal, truely equal, I would rather work to make America the place where minorities are treated and regarded as equals and not a place where it’s the best we can expect to have in the world. The best shithole amongst shitholes is still a shithole. Seems simple enough to me.

So, in my infinite wisdom, I thought, given that I have wisdom and knowledge and understand these things and they don’t, it is clearly an issue of ignorance. They just don’t know what I know. But perhaps I’m wrong. Maybe they do know what I know. Yet their life story has crafted such a widely divergent viewpoint, their current situation presents such a different outlook, I fear that no amount of knowledge can bridge the gap.

My thoughts turned to relationships. I was in a long term (3+ years) relationship a few years ago. One that my parents very much objected to when they found out about it. At the time, I wondered why they didn’t understand, why they didn’t support me, but now that it is over and time has passed, I’ve come to see some (but definitely not all) of their rationale (one does not become an armchair genius overnight you know). My being involved, no matter how pragmatic and impartial I think I can make my self, irrevocably changes they way I view things.

One conclusion of the study is that in situations like the prison experiment, our mind attempts to deal with two conflicting ideas and what wins out is that of conformity, the decision that is in line with those around us, those with whom we have a very close relationship, those with whom are in authority over us. I’m not saying that other people on the outside are always right, but providing a framework for this logical leap – which is that relationships can be the same way. We can at times deal with conflicting emotions, desires, and thoughts. But we stay because of inertia. Things have been moving in a certain direction, other people expect things of us, we have obligations, we want to do what seems “right”, so we suppress those contrary feelings and move on.

It can be easy for me to then say, the things that I allow myself to do should be those, for better or worse, that don’t generate internal conflict. My current academic/career choice and direction has been largely internal conflict free. My relationships, not so much. Buying my car, conflict free. Buying a ring, not so much. The problem is, I recognize that certain things in life, by their very nature, cannot be completely removed from conflict. Or perhaps, the reason is by my very nature, I cannot experience them without internal conflict.

My personal views about long term relationships have undergone a drastic shift in the past couple years. In 2007/2008, while I was single, all I wanted was an end to that status. To have a relationship with someone that I care about, respect, enjoy spending time with, and wanted to grow with and allow them to help me grow. In many ways, I’m a very private person. I dislike sharing information about myself and tend not to make what I feel are unneccesary conversations. So, when I am with someone who I can open up to, it means I’m in a very vulnerable state, and as such, that person must be special.

Now that I’m with such a person, my mind wanders at time. Damn the greener grass syndrome. I wonder if I just need time to get it out of my system. A friend of mine had his girlfriend recently leave him because she wanted to be single to discover who she really was. She’s been in one relationship after another almost continuously for the past 6+ years. Is this possible? Can one ever truely satisfy that kind of thirst? I don’t know. I’ve always said that commitment isn’t a feeling as much as it is a decision.

I hate second guessing my decisions. I fear that I can make wrong ones.

By the way, I actually am a good writer. However, my thoughts themselves (at least when not concerned with robotics) tend not to be organized. What allows me to pass english classes is an ability to turn jumbled messes into works of art. Unfortunately for those who came to see art, I feel no such compuction with this blog to clean it up beyond what flows from my mind (and any sanitization to protect my vanity).

On Teaparties and the Problem with Perspective

So, April 15th was the big national day for tea parties around the country. The average American protesting the unjust tax policies of the Obama administration. There was also some (likely confused and misdirected) unrest towards Wall street. Well, actually, the tea parties weren’t all about that (or I can argue, taxes were the least of the issues that the tea parties were concerned with, but for arguments sake, I will only address the financial angle organizers and participants extolled).

First, let’s address tax. The argument is that it is unfair for Obama to take MY money and give it to some no good lazy slob who can’t afford to take care of themselves or even has the gumption to work three jobs like he should. Of course, I only have to work one job because I got a good education, connections, or something. Here’s the problem with that argument. Obama’s actually LOWERING taxes for over 90% of Americans. Those who do see a tax increase, only see their taxes grow to what they were under Clinton.

So, what exactly is the argument here? That Obama should actually tax me MORE? Perhaps the argument is that it’s unfair to raise taxes on the rich, that we should all pay taxes equally. That the rich are the ones who stimulate the economy? Hmm. Here is the problem with that argument. Let’s take two people. Person A rents an apartment, works 40-50 hours a week to barely make ends meet. He lives month to month. Person B is paying a mortgage on his house. Has a job that pays him pretty well so that he can contribute to savings, retirement accounts, etc. Now, if I were to hand $1000 to both of these men, where would it go?

Person A would likely spend it on food, rent, clothes, transportation, something – this something stimulates the economy. Person B could likely spend it on similar things, but he is also likely just to put it in savings. Let me bring up another situation. Person A is at the poverty line, let’s say 12k/yr for some state. Person B makes 100k a year. While having a flat tax seems to be equal and fair to all, think about what a flat tax of say 20% does to Person A versus Person B. That $2400 could mean someone goes hungry one week a month, gets substandard clothing, food. That could mean a child doesn’t get health insurance, access to good nutrition or after school programs – things which AFFECT school performance and deliquency. On the other hand, $20k to the other person may mean they can’t afford to buy a new car this year, or take the entire family to Europe on vacation.

The point of these exercises is to demonstrate that a fixed amount of money or fixed tax rate has different implications when you are poor, when you are doing ok, and when you are wealthy. What’s even more insidious though is the prevailing mindset that “if I can work hard and make it, so can you”. NO. THAT IS NOT THE CASE. Growing up without one parent can make a huge differnce when there aren’t other family members who can fill that void. Growing up malnourished, seeing your parents spend most of their waking hours working to never advance in their lives, growing up where crime is a way of life, all of that affects a person. Their outlook, their decisions. But even more devastating, the opportunities available to them and their ability to take advantage of them.

So, while there is that aspect, there’s then the “anger” over those homeowners who got bad mortgages. This problem is very complex and I’m not going to attempt to fully deconstruct it now. Instead, I will just make many points, and hope you start to get the gist of what’s going on:

• It is the “American Dream” to own a home.
• The whole point of a mortage is to amortize the actual cost of the house. While amortize tends to mean “spread the cost out”, it’s real meaning is “hide”. Seriously, unless you’re getting the best rates, you could end up over the life of your mortgage paying 1.5 or more the value of your home. Nobody wants that. That’s partly why we lull oursevles with monthly payments that look very similar to what we’ve been paying in rent.
• Bankers SOLD people they KNEW could not afford the ACTUAL terms of the mortage those mortages.
• Many people were finessed into buying more home than they could afford.
• We live in a debt driving society. Look at the savings rate up through 2007. I believe by 2007, the average was NEGATIVE. That means our society has gotten to the point where on average, we spend more money than we save.
• We are bailing out the banks and other financial institutions because if they fail, they take everything down with them and then we’re truely fucked. Think about it this way. You’ve  had a steady job, gotten several credit cards and nearly maxed them out, but able to make the payments. Suddenly, you find out that your job is shipped overseas and you have to work for less. You have major bills due. You can pay rent and food, but that means missing a payment on a couple credit cards. What happens if after a couple months of missing a payment here and there while you attempt to fix your life, your credit card company decides to just close your account and ask you to pay in full? Let us assume you pay them in full – now you’re fucked. Because now, instead of being behind on one or two cards, you’re now behind on ALL. And you owe rent, need to buy food, pay for car insurance, all with money you no longer have. That’s where our financial industry pretty much got to be, only on a much bigger scale. They owed each other money, and at some point found out that cushy mortgage they were holding was no longer so great. With their source of income cut off, other creditors feeling the crunch of having their income cut off and calling in their debts in full instead of letting things ride, our economy took a turn for the worse.
• Just how ethically or morally bankrupt is it to be angry at other people for getting screwed for engaging in pretty much the same behavior that we were? Their only problem, for some reason, they got the bad end of the stick

Anyway, that’s it for now.

The Three Stages of Relationships

Quick disclaimer, these three stages DON’T include engagement/marriage. However, there will be a slight discussion following that addresses why engagement and marriage should logically be considered one and the same stage.

So, relationships can be tricky to navigate these days. People progress at different rates. Sometimes one wonders “just where are we?” I mean, one is less likely to schedule whole blocks of time off or go through driving hours just to see someone who “is just talking”. I think typically, we either want the other person to be at the same stage that we’re in, or at least have the decency to let us know that they’re not quite that serious when we start talking about planning joint vacations.

This issue is further complicated by our general need to hold the upper hand and limit how vulnerable we can be. Relationship-wise, this generally means the topic of “where are we” is taboo, at least for the first few weeks or months (depending on just how often you’ve been “seeing” each other).

So, what are these stages and how can I recognize them in others (well, probably just your friends when they talk about those of the opposite sex in their lives who are not relatives, classmates, co-workers, or people who have already been turned down [there is NO such thing as platonic friendship])?

1. Hanging out. Also known as “just talking”, “seeing each other”. This is the stage where you’ve just met and are feeling each other out. There is mutual attraction and perhaps some interest. Certainly fun. But heck, I already have fun with my friends and likely don’t need more, so, the point of this is to see whether the other person captures our interest long enough for us to consider moving to the next phase:
2. Dating. For those who don’t know or are confused, dating is the stage where you evaluate long term (and for most, exclusive) relationship potential with a person. You are no longer “just talking”, a stage where either person can cancel without worry about anything because there is nothing invested. See, in stage 1, you spend time together when it is convenient. You both happen to be free, in the same place, etc. Dating requires allocating time to be together out of your regular schedule. Now, this evaluation is just for the next stage:
3. Boyfriend/girlfriend. Yes, that’s right. That long term exclusive relationship is NOT marriage. In this stage, you are now a couple. You meet friends, maybe parents. While you may “hang out” with many people or date a few, you tend to only be in this stage with one other person. The goal here (for some) is to evaluate the other for a permanent commitment – marriage. This is where you root out conflicts like number of children wanted, religion, financial plans for the future, career conflicts, etc.

Once you resolve these issues, you are then ready to move on to (what’s supposed to be) the final stage, marriage. Now, why do I lump engagement together with marriage. Logically, when you ask someone to marry you or agree to marry someone, you are in fact saying, “Yes, we can get married tomorrow”. The only reason that there’s even an engagement stage is to give you time to plan a wedding, setup a common home, finances, etc. If you think that engagement is a time for you to discover any last lingering issues, you have made a very bad mistake.

Alas, many fall into this trap because they don’t actually follow through on the previous stages. Yes, the further up you move, the harder it is to end a relationship, but if you are actually serious about the progression – if your end goal is to be married, then you need to use each stage for what it is. If your end goal is a bf/gf, and you suddenly find yourself accepting (or giving) a marriage proposal, something is wrong. You are not equipped to make a good decision on that front because up to then, that has not been your intention. You’ve not done the due diligence on that front.

Anyway, live and learn.

Title: Too Tired to Think

But not too tired to alliterate. In any case, it is crunch time. I’m down to the last couple weeks of the semester. I’ve got three term projects, two which are on their way towards completion, one that I’ve barely started. A paper that I need to write, summer job/research to find, a competition next weekend. . .

So, I’m very tired and even after some sleep, I’m still pretty energy lagged during my drive to school. As I’m circling Oakland, looking for a parking spot, I notice something. As usual, the warning goes off in my head “this cannot be good…” and BAM, we have a car accident.

She’s not paying attention, wants to go around a car stopped ahead of her, and turns into my lane without checking her blind spot. As this happens, my first thought is “grr, I’m already late for class but there’s no way I should just drive away from this”.

So, given that we’re all in the middle lane, I pull over to the side. Jot down my contact info, and hand it to the other lady whose car got hit.

Yes. . . I did the right thing. I witnessed an accident. Stopped to give my info, then ran off to find a parking spot and get to class. BTW, class ended about five minutes after I got there.

It’s been a while

Yes, almost a month since my last post. There’s been a lot going on, midterms have come and gone, I’ve got three term projects all due in the next couple weeks, a paper to write, a robot I’m working on (FieryTessaBot) and a woman I’ve been seeing. Near the end of February, we decided to exclusively see each other for a month and see where things went. Well, we’re still together.

This is an. . . interesting relationship for me. At the moment, I cannot honest say that this has ultimate potential. Our long term plans are not that compatible, I know our families. . . well, my family, will not mesh well. So, what am I doing? Is it ok to say, well, I’m young enough that I could be in a relationship like this for the next couple years before I need to be absolutely serious with the people I date?

Three years ago (wow. . . it’s been that long), I could only see myself being with someone that I could potentially marry. Then again, I was with such a person and so I may be giving myself too much credit on such “forward” thinking. It’s interesting at times to revist my thoughts, views, and actions which at the time seemed so correct and mature and now perhaps were not very objective. Then again, I don’t think one can ever be entirely objective about these things, but perhaps I can now understand my parent’s reaction a bit more.

I’m not saying I was wrong, but given that things didn’t work out, given my current relationship and outlook on life, I find myself separated enough from that aspect of my past to look on it as almost an impartial observer and pass judgement. It’s funny.

<start public service announcement>

On a wholly different note. To all my college readers out there, student loans are your friend. Max out your student loans before you even consider putting things on a credit card. For some reason, my malinformed college self thought loans were the devil and credit cards easier to manage. And for three years, I did well. Only spent what I could afford. Then one summer, I spent more and continued spending more thinking, well, I can make a bit over the minimums until I start working. Then six months before I started working, they yanked my credit line and started asking for much larger minimum monthly payments. I got fucked really bad, and am still managing the results of that mess. If I’d gotten student loans, not only would my credit not have been fucked up, but also I’d be debt free now, having saved a lot on interest and fees.

<end public service announcement>

A rant I forgot to post.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ufsl5p8gtIM

Once again, Pat Buchanan demonstrates that he doesn’t really know what he’s talking about when it comes to race. While there are plenty of items here to criticize Buchanan (and in many cases, general white thinking on race and this country), Dyson addresses a lot of them, albeit while suffering from technical glitches in the transmission of his rejoinders. However, near the end, Buchanan starts saying things to the effect of “America is the best country for black people”.

Well, I’m not going to argue with that. Dyson doesn’t really notice it, but I think this statement highlights what is probably the biggest issue black people will continue to have with Whites for years to come. This statement perfectly captures a deep misunderstanding of the current state of race relations and demonstrates that people just don’t understand what exactly is injust about racism.

Perhaps I can illustrate the problem with this example. Buchanan is essentially saying, for black people, you can either go elsewhere (other than America) which is pretty bad for you, or come here (America) which is just bad. Since America is just bad, we are the best, because everywhere else is pretty bad. Given that we are the best, black people should be happy and focus on working out their problems themselves, because the rest of us (whites) no longer have anything to self correct.

You can see the problem here. Black people DEMAND equality to whites. We don’t want to live somewhere that is the “best in the world” for US. We want to live somewhere that is the best in the world. We are not satisfied with the status quo. We want to have status in America, be treated in America, have opportunity in America, equal to a white person. We are not satisfied with having status, treatment, and opportunity that is better here than anywhere else. That’s not good enough. Because it doesn’t take much to see that as much as white people “treat us nicely here in America”, they still treat themselves much better.

It is so obvious to me what that simple sentence conveys and it is amazing that Buchanan can say it and it not occur to him what it means. Perhaps it’s because I’m black. . . I guess there are some things that will continue to boggle my mind. All this being said, I commend Buchanan for the courage to speak out the way he does. (*note, I don’t quite like the title of that video. I don’t think Buchanan is racist, I think if I could have a day to talk with him, we could clear up a lot of things). Because by doing so, he educates the rest of us on what whites are missing when blacks talk about racism and our struggles and problems within the community and by understanding that disconnect, we can work towards having a more fruitful discussion between blacks and whites.

Dazed and Confused

So, HEC and I hung out again this weekend. She was out with a friend. I met them at a bar, we had a few drinks, chatted, some light flirting, then I bounce them to my usual spot and eventually she and I end up on the dance floor.

At this point, I’m a bit unsure what I want to do. I’m fine dancing with HEC with her friend there. I’m not quite sure how much further I wanted to attempt to go. I guess the question becomes, if you are out with friends, and you are interested in one, can you make a move at that point or do you have to wait until you two are isolated?

I’m relatively sure that I no longer miss the “go ahead” signal. So perhaps that why tings are always interesting when HEC is involved. When we chat beforehand, the signal seems to be there. When we’re actually out, its tougher to read. Or perhaps it should be clear, given that she never quite makes herself available to me alone.

Then again, perhaps that was my move to make. To take her in hand and tell her friend, hey, don’t worry, I’ll make sure she gets home safe tonight. Sigh, I guess I’ll have to find out the next time.

So, aside from HEC, I’ve been dating for a couple weeks now. The love triangle thing has resolved itself, and I’m now just seeing one, and avoiding talking to the other. It goes against my nature, but I think it’s best for now. Because I feel any in depth discussion would lead to potentially resuming the relationship and ultimately a new triangle conflict. While both knew I wanted to see other people concurrently, neither really can accept that, especially if they know that I’m seeing the other

How do you break up with someone with whom you’re not in a relationship

So, there’s been someone I’ve been “hanging” out with for a couple months now. We probably seen each other two or three times a month. It’s been casual and for me has been at the “let me see if I get to like her more” though perhaps there was a bit of I’m want to have someone to chill with involved as well. So while we’ve been hanging out, that’s what’s its been. Just friends. No expectations. No obligations. Though I suspect there may be a desire for more.

Now I’ve started seeing other people and frankly I enjoy the time spent with them a lot more. I don’t know if it’s the age difference, personality, or what, but truth is truth. And given the way school is going to balloon to fill my free time, and the likely potential that I’m going to continue to date other people, the good thing to do is to cut her loose now. Because I know I’d rather spend time with others and I’m not the guy who keeps people around just so I can call them on the off chance that nobody else is available.

I’m not one for beating around the bush. If there is beating to be done, one should grab straight at the root, and what’s left of the good guy in me, who survived the bastard coating of bastard filling is saying you should tell her, it’s been cool hanging out, but I think we’re both looking for different things. There’s even a voice in my head that says I should call and say this, rather than sending a txt message. Damn this technology, because five years ago, I would not have even considered txting someone to say this. . . perhaps I would have emailed. . .

I’ve had people drop me by just ceasing to respond to communication. If things had been going on for more than a month, I generally felt that I deserved at least a “it wouldn’t have worked” conversation. But now I see that there are a couple issues with that. One, it’s hard to come up with what to say in that conversation, even for such a talented wordsmith as I. Two, even if you know what you want to say, you probably don’t really want to actually say it. Three, if I actually did have that conversation, I’d have probably attempted to convince them to reconsider, and I don’t want to have that conversation knowing that I have no plans of reconsidering at all.

Ok. . . I’m going to make the call.

Bastard Coated Bastards with a Bastard Coated Filling

So, when Drs. Kelso and Cox first have the conversation where this bit of knowledge comes up, that everyone knows people are such, I couldn’t help but laugh at the jaded outlook those two share -and how it’s one of the few things the two would agree upon.

At the same time, even as I enjoyed what I feel is among the top scenes in the show, I couldn’t help but think, “Nah, people aren’t that way. Certainly I’ve gone through life without being a bastard coated bastard with a bastard coated filling”.

Until a couple days ago. I’m not going to go into details. Suffice to say it involved two females. Who are associates but have a mutual friend. Who apparently talks a lot lol.

Arrg. I have a friend who tells me, when life hands you lemons, make grape juice. Never let the bastards win and always keep them guessing!

I’m going to do my best

What Really Get’s My Goat

So, as I prepare on this first school day of 2009, what do I write about? Is it the anticipation of a new school year? Is it to discuss my resolutions as it relates to my school performance? Does it have anything to do with school at all? Probably not.

Many who know me at some point remark or otherwise make the point of saying that I’m very chill, laid back, unflappable. That isn’t to say that I don’t experience strong emotions, get excited, angry, joyful in their presence, but that I’m definitely a calming presence who takes things that would normally cause others’ blood pressures to skyrocket with relative calm.

However, be that as it may, there is a way to bypass all that and ignite the fury. Well, at least on the inside but certainly if I talk to you while it rages, I’m going to come across as irritable…

So, what is this weak spot? I’m not so glad you asked, but I’ll tell you. I get annoyed when people cancel plans without telling me. It grows to irritation when this happens multiple times in the same week.

In fact, after that point, someone needs to have died, otherwise I’ll just stop talking to you at that point. It’s that serious.

And it’s so easy to avoid. Just pick up a phone, call me, and say you can’t make it. That’s it. I don’t need to hear why, though it can be nice. It doesn’t have to be terribly in advance, though if you’ve had stuff come up a lot recently, I highly suggest the next call give me 12 hours of warning.